Saturday, December 1, 2012
Handing it Over
I always imagined that once I got pregnant, I'd just live happily ever after. I thought the hard part would be over. It doesn't appear that that's the case. I am not sure why I thought this, since one of the reasons I was scared to have children before is the quote, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I have always been a worrier. Especially when it comes to my loved ones. After my dad's first heart attack (yes, first...), I had dreams all the time that he had died, and I would wake up feeling that pain of losing someone. I even have dreams about my dogs drowning and that I can't save them ever since I found out that English bulldogs typically cannot swim. So, I'm not sure why I thought that once the torture of seeing negative tests month after month was over and I had successfully begun creating a human, I wouldn't be equally as worried. I spent the first week after finding out I was pregnant expecting it not to last. It sounds awful, I know, but I just couldn't imagine that anything could be good or easy at this point. Obviously, there are people who have had journeys much harder and longer than mine, but mine is all I have experienced, and that was enough for me to believe that nothing was going to come easy for us when it came to making babies. So, I continued taking pregnancy tests to make sure that the lines kept getting darker, meaning HCG levels were continuing to rise. I was also having my HCG and progesterone checked every other day, so the pregnancy tests were unnecessary, maybe, but who cares? This cycle of lab work, worry, repeat continued until my first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I felt slightly less panicked after seeing that all was there that should have been there, but I'm still anxious, of course. What if we don't hear a heartbeat when we are supposed to? What if at this next ultrasound Monday there is no fetal pole? Why do I even know what a fetal pole is? Why can't I be like most women who get to be completely ignorant to the whole process and just go in at 8-12 weeks and say, "Oh, look! There's my baby! Cool! Back to doing whatever I want in complete confidence that I'll have a totally healthy baby!" Before the ultrasound, I thought, "Once I have this ultrasound, I'll be able to relax." Then I thought, "Well, once I have that healthy baby in my arms, I'll relax." Ha! That's when the real worrying is going to start. I already check that Matt is breathing sometimes when he's asleep. I realize now just how much I am going to have to hand it over to God. I can't possibly live the rest of my life terrified what could happen to this little life. I know I won't be able to not have any worry, but I know it's mostly out of my hands. I'll try to remember this next time I am ready to freak out, but I can't promise anything.
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I know exactly how you feel. I was telling my husband about this yesterday actually. I loved turning 18, because I had control over everything. What I would do, wouldn't do, talk to, spend time my time, work, etc. I could control my whole world, that also meant if things went wrong it was my fault, but I blame myself for everything anyways, so that part didn't bother me. As long as I worked hard enough or long enough I could make pretty much anything happen.... except this. There is nothing I can really do to have a child, it will either happen or not. Drugs, IVF, acu, none of it guarantees anything, they are tools that might connect the two, but they also might not. I hate the way I feel so helpless and out of control. I know this lesson is only the first one in parenthood. I can't control anything in my pregnancy as far as the baby's health is concerned (outside of not being drunk and smoking, but you know what I mean), then there's birth and all the external stuff. As a child grows they gain and more Independence and you lose more and more control. Gosh that is so hard for me!
ReplyDeleteLuckily we have spouses and friends to tell us, Farra, it's going to be okay! It really is. So far it's been a good pregnancy (not sure if the sickness part has kicked in, if so I hope it's only mild) and there's no reason not to believe the rest won't go well either and that you'll deliver a beautiful baby.
As far as knowing far too much about TTC, like sack, fetal pole, etc. You are going to be so much more connected to your pregnancy than most moms because you have to know all this stuff. You really do know everything going on with your baby.
*hugs* my friend! As much as there's going to be a lot of worry and fear there will be amazing times too. You are going to share this news with everyone in a few weeks, for real plan what next christmas will be like with your LO, baby shower, nursery, all of it Farra. It's going to be amazing and worth every bit of fear in you.
Farra, I'm right there with you. Totally thought that a BFP = a magical land of happiness without any more stress or worry. Ha. Like you, I'm a natural worrier, and not sure why in the world I thought things would be so simple. I think you're right though, we have to try to surrender to a higher power because we're not in control, despite how much we want to be. I know it's not easy, but I'm there to support you whenever you need! And I know Amber is right, the fear will all be worth it end the end!
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