Infertile Brain

     So, at our ultrasound Monday, baby Wicks measured a week behind.  I have been a little concerned about this, because I'm so sure of when I ovulated, so I know it isn't a matter of my dates being off by that much.  I sometimes wish I could be one of those women who are clueless about their bodies, their cycles, and basically everything pregnancy related, so that I wouldn't worry so much, but unfortunately, knowledge is important to me.  Even if there isn't much I can do with it at this point.  I am holding on to hope that seeing a heartbeat was a good sign that everything is going to be ok.

     Today, I went to Target to buy Preggie Pop Drops as a more natural nausea remedy, and as I browsed the baby and maternity sections (unsuccessfully), I couldn't help but to feel like I was out of place.  It was like it was a "members only" part of the store that I always rushed by before to spare myself the upset of seeing all the sweet baby things, and I still feel like I don't really "belong" there.  I hope that everything will be ok, and that I'll get to buy things for myself there in the near future.

    On another note, I have been thinking a lot about gratitude and infertility.  Yes, seriously.  As in those two things being related.  Although I didn't suffer what many people with an infertility diagnosis do, I do know what it feels like to have everyone around you be pregnant with little to no effort while you cry yourself to sleep in fear that you may never have biological children or that there is something wrong with you.  I know what it's like to be put through tests and tons of bloodwork only to find no solutions other than those that are extremely expensive and come with no guarantees.  Even though it caused me so much pain, bitterness, sadness, despair, and low self esteem, I don't think I'd change it if I could.  That's because I've made wonderful friends who have supported me and offered me REAL advice when I asked for it, I've grown as a person and become more prepared for what motherhood means, it's given Matt a chance to prepare more, and it's let me see how strong my marriage really is.  My husband is seldom serious about anything when I try to have a talk with him, but when I hit my all time low and didn't know what to do or what he was willing to go through with me to make parenthood a reality, he reassured me that he'd do whatever I needed him to, and that if we never had children, he would be accepting of that.  I know it works out for lots of people, but I'm honestly glad that I'm not one of the people that end up with an accidental pregnancy that they have to learn to deal with, because I am so glad to get the experience of loving and wanting this baby before "it" was even conceived.  I guess, in a way, I'm lucky.

     Now, Lord, please let my ultrasound on Monday bring good news.