Yesterday I was talking to someone that was looking to buy some baby clothes from me. She told me how excited they were to be having a boy and that they also have a daughter who will be 3 in August. I felt this tightness in my chest like my heart was being squeezed, and it took me by surprise. It's not that I was unaware of the 23rd approaching or that I'd forgotten that I should have a 3 year old this year. I guess I'd just been busy enough that I'd been able to "tune out" that grief so I didn't have to deal with it right now, and it found a way to sneak up on me. The feelings are so complicated, because while aren't celebrating the birth of our 3 year old, we have two perfect children who are 7 months old today.
Now, buckle up for some crazy talk/ramblings that is more for me than for readers: I know it's so out there to some, but I do sometimes wonder if the souls of these babies lost to miscarriage (or abortion) are still destined for earth and if perhaps they just need a different vehicle. After losing our first baby, I had dreams about a baby who then became a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. So, now I look at this happy, beautiful, funny 7 month old with her blonde hair and blue eyes and wonder so many things. In one dream, I had two girls, and I couldn't see the younger one, but someone commented on her auburn hair. When I woke up I thought how strange it was, because no one in our families has red hair, and why couldn't I see this other baby? So, while I did not end up with two girls, my sweet and snuggly baby boy has auburn hair. Coincidence? Maternal instincts? So, while I grieve for the babies that we lost, I can't help but to wonder if there are little pieces of them right here on earth with us. I know if we would have had those two babies when we should have, we wouldn't have been likely to have the ones we do. So, while I don't think that was God's "plan" to take two babies and give us two others as if it is some kind of even trade, I am beyond grateful for our Pearl and William despite the circumstances that got them to us.
I often struggle to be the mom I want to be and that they deserve, and on days like today, I'm reminded of the person I once was who would do literally ANYTHING to be a mother. The person who wanted to slap the next mom who complained to me about their clingy baby or how they never got to sit down to eat a meal anymore. I knew these were valid complaints, but when you have no baby in your arms, you can't imagine ever complaining about a baby who needs you too much. So, when Pearl starts crying the minute I go to take a bite of my lunch or William's growth spurt has him up at 3am acting like he is going to waste away in the next 5 seconds, I try to remind myself not to be that mom the old me would've wanted to slap. Be the mom that deserves these two precious little critters. If it's even possible to deserve something like that. Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel to have had 7 months of seeing and holding and snuggling them. Spit up, sleep deprivation, meltdowns, blowouts, and all. Though there will always be two little places in my heart that nothing else will fill, my heart is still so full somehow.
Outtakes from their 7 month "photoshoot":
This is her new attitude look.
There are no words for this. And there is a sock stuck in the cushions.
Pearl, save me! I think the fan is after me!
I thought I was clever putting the sticker on the couch...
"What? I didn't kick him. I'm just doing my stretches."
So, I've been a little busy. I'm sure that comes as a real shock, but it's true. I'm going to try to keep this update somewhat brief since there are dishes to be done during this small window of free time I have while the babies catch their evening catnap. They are 6 months old now, and it's amazing how different things are. I feel like "amazing" is overused, so the fact that I'm using it means I'm serious. It actually amazes me. They are both rolling back to belly now. Pearl started right at about 5 months, and William started just before 6. Once they did it once, they did it all the time. They also have started solids. We're doing baby led weaning. This means a huge mess, but they weren't at all interested in purees other than stealing the spoon and gnawing on it. We survived their 4 month sleep regressions (although it didn't happen until about 5.5 months for Pearl), and they sleep well unless there's a diaper leak or they are going through a "leap". They now smile at each other and babble, grab at each other, and poke each other in the eyes.
We won't eat our avocado, but we WILL eat feet.
Let's make each other smile...
That's enough talking, sister.
Huh? Where do you want us to look?
Pearl seems to do most things first. She's a do-er. She observes people very seriously, but she doesn't wait to see how something is done. She just goes for it. After over 3 months of dealing with scary GI problems, we found a great doctor who suggested a bone broth and liver based formula. Not conventional at all, but guess what? It did what the commercial formulas failed to do. Her pediatrician is impressed, and we are happy we can ditch the GI doctors that did nothing for her. She is very silly and is constantly babbling, screaming (this is why I call her Little Howard Dean), cooing, doing belly laughs, and blowing raspberries. She is a thumb sucker, a belly sleeper, a morning person, a foot chewer, and a dog lover. She's constantly reaching for the dogs and trying to pet them and talk to them. They are sweet to her, though Stig doesn't care for her screaming, so he goes downstairs when he's had enough. She thinks it's funny to pull William's ears and steal toys from him. She is terrified of sneezes and likes cauliflower and sweet potato. She was 15lbs 5oz and 26" (although I think she cheated) at her 6 month well check, and she has tiny little feet that are still in newborn sized shoes. She makes William cry a good bit with all her toy stealing, eye poking, and screaming.
William is an observer. He watches everything carefully and with curiosity and is happy to sit back and watch Pearl for a while before trying it himself. Except for sitting. We tried to practice sitting up unassisted, and he caught on pretty fast. He also quickly figured out that it's fun to throw himself backwards onto the pillows, though. He still has a startle reflex, so we had him in a Merlin Magic Sleep suit, which was actually magical, but now we're trying to transition him to a ZipadeeZip sleep sack since it's safe to roll over in that. It cracks me up, because he looks like a little rotisserie chicken when he sleeps (hence the name Chicken Baby). William is serious about his sleep and doesn't like to be woken up. He generally naps longer than Pearl and needs a minute to wake up in the morning. He loves blankets, and gets super excited to play with them. He likes fitting both hands in his mouth and sometimes borrows Pearl's hands and feet to chew on. He hates when clothes go over his head, and he fights like his life is being threatened. Trying to put clothes on him is a workout. He is not impressed with any foods. He has plagiocephaly and had a weak shoulder that may have been injured in utero, and instead of going the helmet and traditional PT route, we have been seeing a doctor who does osteopathic manipulation (same one who suggested the "meat juice" formula.). The results have been so impressive. His shoulder is no longer weak, and he doesn't avoid using it. His head is starting to become rounder and more symmetrical, and he can easily turn it in all directions. He was 16lbs and 26" at their 6 month appointment.
Top:Before Osteopathic Manipulation. Bottom: After 2 treatments (1 month)
** In case you aren't familiar with the Howard Dean scream, here it is:
