Goodbye Again

Well....Right now I have to wonder if I'll ever be able to stay here for a whole 9 months.  I don't know why the hell we can't keep our babies.  It's bullshit.  I was so hopeful when my first two betas were 22 and then 78, but when it only went up to 148 in 51.5 hours, I got nervous.  My doctor was not concerned, and she is incredibly thorough and cautious, so I tried to be positive, but my heart seems to always know what my doctors do not.  Today, my hcg was only 150.  It has only risen by 2 in a little less than 48 hours.  I don't know why this is happening.  I don't know how to move on.  I have no idea where to go from here.  What's wrong that is causing us to have so much trouble?  I did EVERYTHING right this time.  I had lost weight, I was super on top of things with my thyroid, I did the neupogen injections, I went in for a progesterone shot that hurt like hell just in case, I ate the hell out of organic fruits and veggies, and I took it easy like I was told to.  So, why am I sitting here heartbroken once again?  I had such a good feeling about this pregnancy in the beginning, and then I woke up with a feeling of dread this morning, and that feeling was the same feeling I felt on the night of Dec. 11, when I had an ultrasound the next day that would confirm my fear that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.  Right now, a part of me never wants to be pregnant again.  I don't think it will ever be any less than completely terrifying and heartbreaking.  I have another beta tomorrow just to confirm what we already know (and probably for my doctor to rule out an ectopic).  I wish I could just stop the progesterone and not draw this out.  My heart can't take this.

Wicks 2.0 in the Works

Well, it's been a long time since I posted here.  Longer than I imagined it would take for me to get pregnant again.  But by some magic that doesn't yet seem real, I have reason to post here again.  Apparently, our disaster of an IUI worked.  We didn't relax.  We didn't go on vacation.  We didn't adopt.  We stressed and planned and had a million things going on at once.  Matt worked a million hours, and I got the ball rolling on our move and house hunting in between follicle scan appointments.  And somehow, here we are.  This morning, when I tested, I left the strip on the counter after a minute like I always do, because I've come to expect it to be negative if it doesn't look positive right away.  But when I went back to the bathroom a while later, I noticed something VERY faint, but I couldn't trust it because it had been sitting there too long.  But after retesting 4 hours later (with 3 more tests of various brands and an OPK for the hell of it), that suspicious line on the first test was confirmed.

 Since my miscarriage a year and a half ago, I have thought a lot about how I'd handle telling people when and if I was pregnant again.  Part of me was always angry that by trying to wait until our trip home at 10ish weeks to tell my dad and some of my sisters about my pregnancy, I ended up only getting to tell that that our trip home for Christmas would be postponed by my D&C for the baby they never knew I was carrying.  So, this time, I decided to enjoy and celebrate this pregnancy for as long as we can.  My progesterone is being monitored, my thyroid was just checked, and the rest is pretty much out of our hands for now, so I plan to do all I can to act as if I am any other pregnant woman just going about my life expecting a healthy and happy baby in 9 months.  I'll probably go for a beta tomorrow and two days later to make sure things are progressing as they should, and I'll get an ultrasound at 6 weeks and another at 8, but I will try my hardest to not live every day in fear like I did before.  There is no way to prepare for the pain of losing a baby, so why experience it until you have to?   I'll cherish every minute with this baby.

I decided today to go ahead and share our news with my close friends (including my incredible friends in my infertility support group), our parents, and one of my sisters so that we can celebrate this life right now with those who have given us so much love and support over the last 2.5 years.  We are so lucky to have people in our lives who care so much for us and have encouraged and prayed for us.  I hope we will be sharing the birth of our new baby with them in early January of next year :)