Here's What's New

So, here I am in the second trimester, and it feels crazy.  I still think of the day I got my third beta result and just cried all day thinking it was over, but here I am at 15 weeks and 3 days with two babies who seem to be doing just fine.  It blows my mind.  Because I hadn't had an ultrasound for a while, I started to freak out a little, and doubt crept in.  My husband was out of the country without his phone for a little over 3 weeks, and that didn't help my anxiety at all, either.  So, I got very good with the Doppler, which helped some.  I did still have my moments of crazy where I'd think, "What if I'm finding the same heartbeat from different places and one is really dead?"  Yes, I have those morbid thoughts.  I do my best to stay calm, but when your first baby is discovered to have passed away after being very much alive two days before, it's hard to get past the fear of it happening again.  Yes, I'm beyond the point that tmiscarriage is most likely to happen, but I don't get to be naive anymore.  I've seen so many later losses that I can't live in denial.  That's not to say that I live in fear either.  I just have moments of fear, and that's ok.  I'm pretty sure that is what life is like as a parent.  If you don't worry about your kids, please call me and explain to me how you've accomplished this.
   
Since my last post, I've switched OBs.  I think I'm going to feel more secure with this one, and she'll have me seeing a high risk OB (MFM)  as well.  The previous OB was nice enough, but I am pretty sure she was far more confident in my ability to carry two babies than I am.  Her plan included treating me as a low risk singleton pregnancy plus a few extra cervical checks, and I'm not so comfortable with that.  If I'd had a normal pregnancy prior to this, that might change things, but I haven't.  When she told me I could travel until I'm 36 weeks, that was the nail in the coffin.  I'm not trying to deliver babies on a plane or in a car.  If she isn't concerned about that, I dont think I could trust her treatment plan or judgement.  The new OB said my uterus is measuring 20 weeks, so I don't feel quite as bad about looking giant, and she said that's normal for a twin pregnancy.  Hooray!  It feels good to be having a "normal" pregnancy!

Since we asked the new OBs office about an ultrasound, and they weren't planning to do one since they're sending me to the MFM for one, we scheduled one at a private place so we could find out genders.   Matt got home the day before, and was pretty surprised by how my bump has blown up.  I think that made it more real for him.  The place we went to guarantees they can confirm gender by 13 weeks, which seems so early!   Ours was at 15 weeks exactly, and both babies measured 15w6d.  They determined right away that one baby is a girl.  I'd be over the moon no matter what, but a little part of me has been hoping for one of each, because I would like to have one of each eventually, and we don't have the luxury of feeling confident we can have more children after this.  So, after lots of messing with us, the second baby finally gave us a decent view, and they determined that one is a boy.  We couldn't believe it!  Really, though, just seeing them again and seeing them move and stretch was so incredible and reassuring.  There were definitely a few tears shed by me.  We went to celebrate after with lunch at this southern place, and it was just the perfect day!  Anatomy scan is scheduled for Aug 12, and then we will be headed home to visit family before I'm too big to fit in a car.


15 weeks:
Cravings: Veggie wraps, salads, watermelon, chocolate coconut milk
Food aversions:  Pretty much everything else
Symptoms:  Getting worn out easily, hip pain, still congested, peeing frequently, nausea, crazy dreams/nightmares, round ligament pain

Thank You

Just now, as I was driving a few towns over to pick up the ONLY thing that sounded good for dinner, I was feeling a little frustrated with being so hungry but having so many food aversions and so much nausea.  Then I realized that is a wonderful problem to have, and it's all a part of what I've waited all these years for.  I don't have to love every symptom, but I have a lot more to be thankful for than I have to complain about.  It got me thinking about how lucky I am for the people in my life that have saved my sanity during the time we've been dealing with infertility and miscarriages.  So, at the risk of this sounding like an award acceptance speech, I really need to express my gratitude.
   
To those who listened as I expressed worry about it taking so long to conceive, those who asked about our doctors appointments and let me talk it through,  those who let me cry over pregnancy announcements and understood that it was only about my concern that it wasn't a possibility for me and not because I'm a bitter hag, thank you for giving me the courage to seek answers and speak out about what I was going through without judgement.  

To those who celebrated every small victory with me, those who didn't dismiss my sadness or invalidate my feelings, to my husband who has seen me crying on the floor like a toddler, thank you for making me to feel loved during a time when I felt broken and flawed.

To those who supported me through our miscarriages by visiting, keeping me stocked with Kleenex and movies, calling, sending sweet messages and gifts to honor my babies, and sharing your own stories of loss with me, thank you for helping me to grieve the way I needed to.

To those who came to my rescue when I was asked for the 1,000th time whether I was going to have children, those who came to doctors appointments, those who gave me injections I was afraid to give myself, those who walked with me at and contributed to the Walk of Hope for infertility, and those who understood when I couldn't bring myself to join the conversation about babies or go shopping with them for baby things, thank you so much for helping to preserve my sanity and allowing me to guard my heart so that it could start to heal.

Finally, to those who have taught me so much, have walked the same path, and who started out as strangers in an infertility community and became incredible friends, thank you for making me feel normal and for understanding me better than anyone who hasn't been here could.

We have a long way to go in this pregnancy, and I don't believe there is such a thing as "out of the woods" when it comes to pregnancy and then parenthood, but I know I have some pretty awesome people in my life that have shown me more support than I could ever have imagined.  I feel pretty lucky.