Goodbye Again

Well....Right now I have to wonder if I'll ever be able to stay here for a whole 9 months.  I don't know why the hell we can't keep our babies.  It's bullshit.  I was so hopeful when my first two betas were 22 and then 78, but when it only went up to 148 in 51.5 hours, I got nervous.  My doctor was not concerned, and she is incredibly thorough and cautious, so I tried to be positive, but my heart seems to always know what my doctors do not.  Today, my hcg was only 150.  It has only risen by 2 in a little less than 48 hours.  I don't know why this is happening.  I don't know how to move on.  I have no idea where to go from here.  What's wrong that is causing us to have so much trouble?  I did EVERYTHING right this time.  I had lost weight, I was super on top of things with my thyroid, I did the neupogen injections, I went in for a progesterone shot that hurt like hell just in case, I ate the hell out of organic fruits and veggies, and I took it easy like I was told to.  So, why am I sitting here heartbroken once again?  I had such a good feeling about this pregnancy in the beginning, and then I woke up with a feeling of dread this morning, and that feeling was the same feeling I felt on the night of Dec. 11, when I had an ultrasound the next day that would confirm my fear that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.  Right now, a part of me never wants to be pregnant again.  I don't think it will ever be any less than completely terrifying and heartbreaking.  I have another beta tomorrow just to confirm what we already know (and probably for my doctor to rule out an ectopic).  I wish I could just stop the progesterone and not draw this out.  My heart can't take this.