Waking Up on the Other Side

  A few days before my period was due,  I started to prepare myself for another failed cycle and for the start of fertility drugs.  We had a military ball to go to, and I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case, because I thought I may end up having a couple drinks and wanted to play it safe.  The test was as negative as it always was, and I wasn't at all surprised.  We had a good time, and I ended up deciding not to drink anyway.  Two days later, I thought my period should have shown up, although I had been taking some supplements to increase the time between ovulation and my period, so I took another test.  Negative again, of course, so I told myself that it was time to let it go and just wait for the next cycle to begin.  However, early on the morning of November 13, I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.  In the dream, I didn't believe that could be, so I kept taking them.  They were all positive.  I'd had a dream about getting a positive test before, and it had been so painful to see a stark white space where a second line should have been when I tested, so I was scared to let that happen again.  I took my temperature before getting out of bed, and it was still very high.  Especially that early in the morning.  For those that are lucky enough to never have to learn about your body in order to get pregnant, a high temperature that stays high when your period should have started is a good sign.  I told myself I was probably getting sick, but I couldn't help myself, and decided to test one more time.  As the test developed, I glanced over and saw what appeared to be another negative.  I sat on the bathroom floor and prayed for peace, for patience, and to forgive myself for putting myself through that disappointment for a third time that cycle.  As I reached for the test to throw it away, I saw something I had never seen.  Well, not on any of my tests anyway.  I saw the slightest second pink line.  I hated my eyes for playing tricks on me, and I closed them for a minute and tried to get myself together.  Surely, my poor, pathetic brain was just making my eyes see things.  But when I opened my eyes, the line was still there.  I was in total disbelief.  I hadn't relaxed.  In fact, I had had one of the most heartbreaking, frustrating, worrisome months of this whole journey, yet it appeared that it didn't matter.  Now I had a different worry.  I prayed, "Please, God.  Let this be it.  Please let this baby cling to my uterus for dear life.  Please don't give me what you cannot let me keep. Please, please, please."  And then I woke up Matt to say the words I'd been waiting a long time to be able to say.  "I think I'm pregnant."