Celebrating Two, Missing Two

Yesterday I was talking to someone that was looking to buy some baby clothes from me.  She told me how excited they were to be having a boy and that they also have a daughter who will be 3 in August.  I felt this tightness in my chest like my heart was being squeezed, and it took me by surprise.  It's not that I was unaware of the 23rd approaching or that I'd forgotten that I should have a 3 year old this year.  I guess I'd just been busy enough that I'd been able to "tune out" that grief so I didn't have to deal with it right now, and it found a way to sneak up on me.  The feelings are so complicated, because while aren't celebrating the birth of our 3 year old, we have two perfect children who are 7 months old today.

Now, buckle up for some crazy talk/ramblings that is more for me than for readers:  I know it's so out there to some, but I do sometimes wonder if the souls of these babies lost to miscarriage (or abortion) are still destined for earth and if perhaps they just need a different vehicle.  After losing our first baby, I had dreams about a baby who then became a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.  So, now I look at this happy, beautiful, funny 7 month old with her blonde hair and blue eyes and wonder so many things.  In one dream, I had two girls, and I couldn't see the younger one, but someone commented on her auburn hair.  When I woke up I thought how strange it was, because no one in our families has red hair, and why couldn't I see this other baby?   So, while I did not end up with two girls, my sweet and snuggly baby boy has auburn hair. Coincidence?  Maternal instincts?  So, while I grieve for the babies that we lost, I can't help but to wonder if there are little pieces of them right here on earth with us.  I know if we would have had those two babies when we should have, we wouldn't have been likely to have the ones we do.  So, while I don't think that was God's "plan" to take two babies and give us two others as if it is some kind of even trade, I am beyond grateful for our Pearl and William despite the circumstances that got them to us.

I often struggle to be the mom I want to be and that they deserve, and on days like today, I'm reminded of the person I once was who would do literally ANYTHING to be a mother.  The person who wanted to slap the next mom who complained to me about their clingy baby or how they never got to sit down to eat a meal anymore.  I knew these were valid complaints, but when you have no baby in your arms, you can't imagine ever complaining about a baby who needs you too much.  So, when Pearl starts crying the minute I go to take a bite of my lunch or William's growth spurt has him up at 3am acting like he is going to waste away in the next 5 seconds, I try to remind myself not to be that mom the old me would've wanted to slap.  Be the mom that deserves these two precious little critters.  If it's even possible to deserve something like that. Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel to have had 7 months of seeing and holding and snuggling them.  Spit up, sleep deprivation, meltdowns, blowouts, and all.  Though there will always be two little places in my heart that nothing else will fill, my heart is still so full somehow.

Outtakes from their 7 month "photoshoot":

This is her new attitude look.  

There are no words for this.  And there is a sock stuck in the cushions.

Pearl, save me!  I think the fan is after me!

I thought I was clever putting the sticker on the couch...

"What?  I didn't kick him.  I'm just doing my stretches."

Chicken Baby and Little Howard Dean

    So, I've been a little busy.  I'm sure that comes as a real shock, but it's true.  I'm going to try to keep this update somewhat brief since there are dishes to be done during this small window of free time I have while the babies catch their evening catnap.  They are 6 months old now, and it's amazing how different things are. I feel like "amazing" is overused, so the fact that I'm using it means I'm serious.  It actually amazes me.  They are both rolling back to belly now.  Pearl started right at about 5 months, and William started just before 6.  Once they did it once, they did it all the time.  They also have started solids.  We're doing baby led weaning.  This means a huge mess, but they weren't at all interested in purees other than stealing the spoon and gnawing on it.  We survived their 4 month sleep regressions (although it didn't happen until about 5.5 months for Pearl), and they sleep well unless there's a diaper leak or they are going through a "leap".  They now smile at each other and babble, grab at each other, and poke each other in the eyes.

We won't eat our avocado, but we WILL eat feet.

Let's make each other smile...

That's enough talking, sister.  

Huh?  Where do you want us to look?  

Pearl seems to do most things first.  She's a do-er.  She observes people very seriously, but she doesn't wait to see how something is done.  She just goes for it.  After over 3 months of dealing with scary GI problems, we found a great doctor who suggested a bone broth and liver based formula.  Not conventional at all, but guess what?  It did what the commercial formulas failed to do.  Her pediatrician is impressed, and we are happy we can ditch the GI doctors that did nothing for her. She is very silly and is constantly babbling, screaming (this is why I call her Little Howard Dean), cooing, doing belly laughs, and blowing raspberries.  She is a thumb sucker, a belly sleeper, a morning person, a foot chewer, and a dog lover.  She's constantly reaching for the dogs and trying to pet them and talk to them.  They are sweet to her, though Stig doesn't care for her screaming, so he goes downstairs when he's had enough. She thinks it's funny to pull William's ears and steal toys from him.  She is terrified of sneezes and likes cauliflower and sweet potato.  She was 15lbs 5oz and 26" (although I think she cheated) at her 6 month well check, and she has tiny little feet that are still in newborn sized shoes.  She makes William cry a good bit with all her toy stealing, eye poking, and screaming.

William is an observer.  He watches everything carefully and with curiosity and is happy to sit back and watch Pearl for a while before trying it himself.  Except for sitting.  We tried to practice sitting up   unassisted,  and he caught on pretty fast.  He also quickly figured out that it's fun to throw himself backwards onto the pillows, though.  He still has a startle reflex, so we had him in a Merlin Magic Sleep suit, which was actually magical, but now we're trying to transition him to a ZipadeeZip sleep sack since it's safe to roll over in that.  It cracks me up, because he looks like a little rotisserie chicken when he sleeps (hence the name Chicken Baby). William is serious about his sleep and doesn't like to be woken up.  He generally naps longer than Pearl and needs a minute to wake up in the morning.  He loves blankets, and gets super excited to play with them.  He likes fitting both hands in his mouth and sometimes borrows Pearl's hands and feet to chew on.  He hates when clothes go over his head, and he fights like his life is being threatened. Trying to put clothes on him is a workout.  He is not impressed with any foods.  He has plagiocephaly and had a weak shoulder that may have been injured in utero, and instead of going the helmet and traditional PT route, we have been seeing a doctor who does osteopathic manipulation (same one who suggested the "meat juice" formula.).  The results have been so impressive.  His shoulder is no longer weak, and he doesn't avoid using it.  His head is starting to become rounder and more symmetrical, and he can easily turn it in all directions.  He was 16lbs and 26" at their 6 month appointment.

Top:Before Osteopathic Manipulation. Bottom: After 2 treatments (1 month)

   

** In case you aren't familiar with the Howard Dean scream, here it is: 

Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Parent

I never paid much attention to the "rules" and changes that come with the parenting experience until I was a parent myself, because who cares?  Now that I have kids and have some new responsibilities, I'm learning a lot.  Allow me to share with you some of what I've learned.

- A person who previously could not drink a cup of coffee without having heart palpitations can often handle two cups at a time once children come into the picture.

- Letting a child cry for any amount of time is abuse.  If you've allowed your baby to cry for any amount of time in her life and she appears happy and healthy, it's because she's faking.  She actually is hopeless and doesn't trust you.

- People want to know if your child sleeps through the night.  Because if she does, you've been abusing and starving her.  If she doesn't, it's because you're failing as a parent.

- You must ALWAYS listen to doctors.  They are always right.  Even if they all have conflicting advice.  It's ALL correct, because they have medical degrees.  They don't need to learn anything new once they have that degree, because medicine never changes.  Don't question them.*  If you don't also have a medical degree, you are only capable of getting health information from mommy blogs and memes.

*The exception to this is that you should NEVER listen to doctors who practice any type of alternative or integrative medicine.  They are quacks.  It doesn't matter if they can provide scientific evidence to back up their treatment methods.  It's psuedoscience.  No one needs vitamins, herbs will all kill you, and only the pharmaceutical companies have your best interest at heart.  (Don't worry about the fact that the US has the highest infant mortality rate among developed nations and that the third leading cause of death is medical error.  I'm sure it's just all those anti-science/anti-medicine people and their kids that are dying.)

- You must introduce new foods one at a time and only every few days so that you can identify possible allergens.  Medicines (including vaccines) are safe for everyone of every age and should be taken in cocktails and without question, because no one has ever had a reaction of any sort to anything made in a lab.  Except for when they did, but those people don't matter, and everyone else is fine, so do it anyway.  And really, the only reaction worth noting is death.  Lifelong issues like autoimmune diseases, severe food allergies, diabetes, GI issues, seizures, ADD, etc. are no big deal.  What we really have to worry about is chickenpox.  Remember how you and everyone you knew died or had lifelong problems from that?

- As soon as you think you have something figured out, it's time for a change.

- You MUST decide what kind of parent you are and wear that label proudly.  Attachment parent, helicopter parent, sleep training parent, free range parent....  Don't forget to post articles every day to let people know they're doing it wrong.

- Don't worry too much or too little.  It's very easy to control that.  Get it together.

- Disciplining children is wrong.  You don't want to break their spirits.  You want them to be happy, and society will make sure to treat them the same way as adults that you have as children, so they don't need any skills or to understand consequences.

- Sleep training is for lazy people.  Only lazy people would stay up all night for a week or more to soothe their baby in short intervals so that they can feel secure enough to start sleeping on their own.

- If you are able to sleep, shower, or eat, you're probably neglecting your child.  Good parents should have no time to themselves.

- A good way to keep diseases at bay is to vaccinate heavily, but take your sick baby around everyone you can.  Take them to the store, daycare, other people's houses, birthday parties.  Remember, no one gets sick from anything there isn't a vaccine for.

- You must be ready for a debate about every choice you make.  If someone did something one way and their kids "turned out fine," you must do it the same way so that yours will turn out fine as well.

- Many parents don't appreciate sarcasm and will become defensive upon reading this post.  In response, they will say one of the things above in a passive aggressive manner.

3 Months Already!

I had hoped to blog more about all the milestones and firsts with the babies, but I haven't had time.  I've actually been writing this in 5 minute intervals over the course of 4 days.  It's hard to believe they're already 3 months old.  I feel like we've shifted out of survival mode and into a more enjoyable "real life" mode.  I attribute some of this new, more enjoyable way of life to having a pretty strict schedule.  Yeah, we might miss out on going somewhere sometimes, but it's so worth it to have them both sleeping 11 hours at night and napping well during the day.  And best of all, they wake up happy and playful, and I am a much better mom when I'm rested.  It takes work and consistency, and they didn't love it the first day or two of each schedule adjustment, but it's so much better for all of us that we can all know what to expect as far as when they'll eat and sleep.  It's become kind of a joke between Matt and I that when William starts losing his mind at night, we know that it's 6:30.  Their little internal clocks are definitely set for their feeding and nap times.  Plus, if I am going to go somewhere, the last thing I want to do is spend the whole time trying to calm down two overtired, super cranky babies.  No thanks.

They've had pretty obvious personalities since before they were even born, but it's getting to be so interesting to see how those personalities develop.  William is so observant and mostly laid back (except when it's close to time to eat or when he's gassy).  He babbles a little, but it's very quiet and much less frequent than Pearl's.  He is always moving, though.  Through diaper changes, swaddling, nap time... he is always running an imaginary marathon.  I'll go to get him from his crib in the morning, and he'll be at the opposite end, turned 180 degrees.  He doesn't tire out nearly as quickly as Pearl does, but he also doesn't fight going to sleep like she does.  In the mornings, he is like a puppy - excitedly making little panting noises and wiggling all over the place when I come in to get him up.  He does this cry that sounds like "Maaaa maaaa!"  That makes Matt laugh and breaks my heart, since it is accompanied by the saddest pout you've ever seen.  He has gone from looking like a tiny, wrinkly, old man to a baby that people refer to as "chubby."   Some nicknames I've given him (in addition to him earning back "Chunk") are Mr. Wigglesworth and Silly Willy.

Mr. Wigglesworth on Easter

 Pearl is a funny little mystery.  She acts as though she isn't interested in doing something at all and then will just decide to do it one day as if she could do it all along.  She wouldn't even begin to crack a smile long after William was grinning at us on a regular basis, and then one day she just decided to start smiling and cooing.  She went from not making a peep straight to chatterbox status. Yesterday, after all this time of either just screaming or going to sleep during tummy time, she decided to roll over.  Twice. Within a minute of me putting her on her stomach.  She puts up a big fight most nights when it's bedtime, but she passes out about a minute or two into that fight.  She loves her sleep and doesn't like to miss any of her nap time. She has my crappy veins, sensitive skin, food allergies, and quick clotting blood.  Sorry, Pearl.  If she doesn't end up with my curly hair, she should be able to forgive me for the rest.  She's starting to learn how to manipulate her daddy, and I think he's ok with that.  She had her first ER visit for some scary GI stuff we've been dealing with, and she was a tough cookie.  They spent 30 minutes poking and prodding her until her little arms were cracked and bleeding from them tying and retying the tourniquet over and over, and she was still able to pull herself together and smile for the ultrasound tech after all that. I've been calling her Pearly Sue, Squirrel (because her hands are always up by her mouth), and Squirrely Pearly.

The sweetest little patient in the tiniest gown ever.

They've started interacting with each other in the last couple of weeks, though it is still rare for them to both engage with the other at the same time.  Usually, Pearl is trying to talk to William, and he's just playing and ignoring her.  Or he'll put his arm over her mouth and she'll suck on it.  And then she puts her fingers in his eyes. She also tries to hold his hand, but she's usually only successful in linking arms with him.

We get out a good bit now, although I still try to stay at home as much as possible, because I'm a hermit, and it's just easier than trying to tote the entire house with us to keep them happy at this weird age.  It can also be kind of hard to go places with them, because we get stopped a lot by people wanting to ask if they're twins.  I never thought it would happen so much, because I've never been tempted to stop strangers to talk to them about their kids, but I guess some people are just really interested.  In an hour and 15 minutes at the mall last month, I was stopped SEVEN times.  On the way back to our car today after a doctor's appointment, we were stopped 3 times.  One of them in the MIDDLE of the crosswalk by a woman with a million questions.  I mean, can we not stop on a busy street in front of a university in a big city?  Maybe I could answer your questions somewhere that doesn't put us at risk of being run over.  Then some lady just came up and said, "How old are they?  Do you breastfeed them?"  It's really strange having people ask so many questions, and sometimes I feel like I'm making a spectacle by just doing everyday things, but I guess it will become less weird as time goes on.

People have been asking me how motherhood is treating me, and it really is good.  It has it's moments where I miss sleeping past 6:30 or not having to strategically plan every outing, but I really have no complaints.  Now that the sleep deprivation is over, I think the hardest part of this parenting gig is knowing when to listen to my gut and not feeling guilty or letting my instincts get pushed aside because of what others do or say.  Whether it's the million "If your baby cries for even a minute, that's neglect" posts on Facebook or doctors trying to push me into things I don't feel are right for us, I have to continuously remind myself that I make these decisions based on what I feel is right for MY children.  I will never make decisions for them based on what others think or want me to do.  So far, my instincts have steered us right more than wrong, and I feel a little more confident with each "victory."

More Surprises - Their Birth Story

I was surprised to make it to my scheduled c section Dec 23, but somehow,  the day came and I still had babies in my uterus that didn't seem that interested in coming on their own at that point.  I hadn't even had a contraction yet. I barely slept the night before, but I'm sure most women feel that way when they know the exact date their babies will be born.  Here I am looking giant and sleepy that morning.

I had my birth plan with me that wasn't all that complicated or out of the ordinary.  I know there are those people who have this elaborate, intimate experience they expect or demands like their labors be catered and the babies to be born with the assistance of Jesus and a unicorn, but that wasn't the kind of thing I was asking for.  Basically, I wanted them to not make me wait a hundred years to see my babies - lower the drape to show them to me immediately and delay any tests that could be delayed until after skin to skin contact.  The doctor and main nurse both went over it with me and agreed these were doable.  Apparently, as with most birth plans, even if what you want is "standard", it must all go out the window if you put in writing as a birth plan.  So, I ended up not having a great c section experience as far as getting to see and hold my babies.  Matt got to hold them pretty immediately, though, and a nurse offered to take this picture.

Meeting Miss Pearl (with my arms strapped down despite what they said they'd do)

We were pretty surprised to find that the babies were smaller than we expected.  Pearl came out first at 5bs14oz and William second at 5lbs7oz.  Once again reminding me how wrong those weight estimates tend to be.  Luckily, neither of them needed NICU time.  I was so excited to finally get to see and hold them in recovery, but I had the shakes so badly that I was afraid to attempt holding them just yet.  Finally, I was able to hold each of them for a couple minutes before they came to do the fundal massage on me again.  That's when things got pretty bad.  Apparently, I have a lazy uterus.  No wonder I had no contractions.  I hemorrhaged, they whisked the babies out to the nursery, and the rest of the day was a blur of pain and wanting to see my babies and being warned that I may need a blood transfusion and there was a possibility that I'd need a hysterectomy.  So, in case you're wondering how to suck some of the magic out of what should be the best day of someone's life, that's how.   We didn't see the babies again until late that night, and I was so out of it, I don't remember much of that night.  Matt was awesome and stepped up to do all the changing, burping, feeding, and asking doctors questions.   

The next night, Christmas Eve, I was told I needed to go ahead and have the transfusion.  Over about 6 hours, I received two units of blood, and on Christmas morning, I finally could think straight and had the strength to really hold my babies.  It kind of seems like that's the day they were born.  It was really the best Christmas ever.  We were finally discharged on the 27th.  

It's been hard even though we've been lucky enough to have tons of help from our families (our moms especially), but we're so grateful to finally be home with our babies.  I could not love or appreciate my husband more than I do now.  He is such an incredible, attentive dad already, and he's taken such good care of me as well.  This was more than worth the wait.  

The Final Countdown

I'm 37 weeks today!  By some magic, my hips have not yet separated from my body, and my pubic bone hasn't broken, despite what it feels like the past week.  At my appointments last week, we found that the babies had dropped, and I was 60% effaced but not dilated, and that both were still head down.  Anyone who's had a baby knows that doesn't really mean anything, though, so I'm not sure why they even tell you.  Or why I'm sharing that. They had a non stress test, where I had no contractions, and Pearl repeatedly kicked off the monitor.  She's going to be fun.  They also had a biophysical profile to check stuff like amniotic fluid levels, practice breathing, movement, and stuff like that.  They both did great!  Though Pearl made it difficult to get a decent measurement, she was estimated at 6lbs and William at 5lbs11oz.  I'll be interested to see if Pearl really is bigger when we meet them.  If so, I'm impressed!  She started out 20% behind in size, and now she's running the show in there.  Waking up William when she throws her fits, getting in his space, trying to kick through my belly and make her way out.  She's wild.

Yesterday, I had my last appointment with the perinatologist, and we got a little surprise.  William decided to flip around, so now he's breech.  We figure he had enough of being head to head with his sister and both of them being smashed between my hip bones.  I'm impressed that he found the motivation to move so much with so little room.  I think it may explain some real discomfort I had over the weekend, though.  So, while lots of women would be upset by this breech business, I'm ok with that, since it reaffirms my gut feeling to go ahead with a c section.  Plus, I want him to be comfortable.  Now his butt is against his sister's head.  Typical.  The ultrasound tech was nice enough to point out his fat rolls, so I look forward to him living up to his nickname.

Since it was our last appointment there, the perinatologist came to say goodbye and wish me luck.  She commented on how glad she was that my pregnancy had been uncomplicated, and she joked that it was pretty boring.  I am so happy to be boring in this situation!  She asked me about the date for my scheduled c section, and when I told her it's the 23rd, she said we may want to talk to the OB about moving it up a couple of days so I could be home for Christmas.  I told her this was the Christmas gift we'd been waiting for so long that we really didn't care if we were home.  But she went on to say that the largest study done on outcomes of twins born at 37 vs 38 weeks gestation showed that those born at 37 weeks to mothers with no complications are healthier than those born at 38 weeks (due to how the placentas start to deteriorate earlier in twins).  I talked to the OB today, and she said the hospital is booked for c sections Monday and Tuesday, but we could do it tomorrow!  Um, well, that's pretty sudden!  After talking with Matt, we decided to wait.  The babies aren't showing any signs that they need to get out sooner than later, and one study of less than 300 people isn't necessarily the final say in what's "the best thing", so I'm just hoping that we made the right choice for them.  I'm sure I'll be asking myself why I waited over the next 6 days as I hobble around feeling like my body is going to give out and my feet are going to explode.

12/12/12

Today has been bittersweet.  I'm 36w2d, the babies appear healthy, and so far, I've avoided the complications that I worried a lot about from the beginning of this pregnancy.  Those are all incredible, beautiful, wonderful things.  But today, I've been incredibly anxious about going into labor, because on this day three years ago, I was in a totally different place in our journey, leaving the hospital with a hole in my heart.

Three years ago today, I experienced the deepest heartache I ever have.  I went for our 3rd ultrasound for our first baby at 8 weeks and found out that baby had died in the two days since my last appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist we'd been seeing up to that point. I wish I could say that finally having a healthy pregnancy and being so close to having two babies in my arms has undone the pain of that loss, but it will always be there on some level.  I will never forget any detail of that day.  It was traumatic, and it changed my life. Having these babies will probably only make me wonder even more about what that baby would have been like or how the dynamic of our family might have been different.  I don't believe that it "happened for a reason" other than that sometimes nature is flawed and cruel, so that platitude I so often hear doesn't bring me any comfort.  What does bring me comfort is that even though I won't know that baby (or our second) on earth, I will carry them in my heart right along with any living children we have.  They'll never know hurt or fear or loss, and they were so loved. Fortunately, time has brought me peace, and instead of living everyday in the dark place I was in for a while, I'm able to be grateful for the time I did have and for the answers that loss pushed me to seek.   I may cry every year on this day for the rest of my life, but I think that's ok.  On this day three years ago, I said goodbye to our first child, and there's no forgetting that.  Because of that experience, I also won't forget how lucky I am once I finally hold Pearl and William in my arms and get the chance to know all I can about them.