Before the Other Side

    So, before I created this blog, I had another blog.  That blog started out as a place to update on the different places the military would take Matt and me, but it soon turned into a place for to let out my frustrations with what would become a longer journey to parenthood than I thought I'd ever experience.  That part of my life is important and has made a huge impact on my life, but I felt like it was time for a fresh start for what appears to be a new chapter that I only hope will keep developing.

     To appreciate the new chapter, I think it's important to reflect on the past 14 months.   In September of last year, Matt and I talked about whether it might be time to start trying to build a family.  This time with kids rather than dogs.  We knew we wanted children, but we wanted to be "ready".  I am not sure why I suspected deep down that it might not happen right away when everyone in my family seems to get pregnant any time they aren't already pregnant, but I just had a flicker of doubt.  I told Matt, "It could take several months."  Ha!  That would have been if we were one of the "lucky" ones.  Several months passed, then several more, and Matt was told he'd be deploying at the beginning of the next year.  My primary doctor wasn't taking my thyroid issues seriously, and with the pressure of a deployment upon us, I asked for a referral to a specialist (a reproductive endocrinologist - referred to as an RE from now on).  The RE ordered a ton of bloodwork and a couple other tests, but I went ahead with the bloodwork and was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, an autoimmune thyroid disease.  All my other results looked fine.  We adjusted my thyroid medicine in hopes that that would help.  A few more months went by, and still nothing.  In this time since we'd been trying, 7 friends got pregnant, and while I was genuinely happy for them, my heart was broken.  It felt like I was being punished for something, and I didn't know what.  I had waited until Matt and I were settled and emotionally and financially prepared, and there appeared to be no reward for doing things "the right way".  I got all kinds of unsolicited, insensitive advice from people who meant well, but didn't know what to say.  I heard more times than I could handle to "just relax" as if I had been stressed from the first day and as if I could stop being worried about whether we would ever be able to have children.  I heard "it will happen when you least expect it" as if I would magically just forget that we were hoping for a baby or as if I ever really expected it after over a year.  I was told, "Just enjoy being with your husband" as if every moment was spent on a strict baby making schedule that was all business.  So, basically lots of assumptions from people that haven't ever been in my shoes.  Luckily, I found a group of women on a forum that were an amazing support system and continue to be.  I found out one of the women I met there lived about 5 minutes away from me and is also a military spouse, and we became close and finally found someone that we could share our fertility struggles with in real life.

    I went through more tests and bloodwork.  Matt was tested as well.  The RE had recommended intra-uterine insemination and injectable hormones, and it looked like our chances of getting pregnant on our own were pretty slim.  I was terrified by the idea of injections and equally terrified of the estimated $3,000 out of pocket cost of a treatment that would only give us a 10-15% chance of conceiving.  I decided to try oral fertility drugs instead, and made a plan to start them on our 14th cycle, though they'd only give us about an 8% chance.  I found out that the naval hospital in San Diego offered fertility treatments for a steep discount, and decided to try to get on the year long wait list for IVF in case that was the route we'd need to take.  I was told when I called that because I'd changed my insurance plan so that I could see civilian doctors, the military facility could not see me.  I felt like every door was being slammed in my face.  On our 13th cycle, and a few nights before Halloween, I sat on the floor of Matt's office and just broke down.  I hadn't wanted to put any extra stress on him, but the floodgates just opened up, and I told him how unfair this was, how much it hurt, and how mad it made me.  I just felt defeated.  I would never be able to just give up, but I couldn't imagine that this was ever going to happen.  Little did I know God had slammed those doors on me for a very good reason.