When Your Body Thinks It's 10 Weeks Ahead

Today marks 30 weeks!  My brain hasn't caught on, but my body knows what's up.  The swelling has returned, although it's not nearly as bad as it was in Mississippi.  Considering my belly was measuring 40 weeks at my appointment yesterday, my doctor wasn't that surprised that I'm having some swelling.  Unfortunately, at my appointment with the perinatologist last week, my blood pressure was high, and although they rechecked it after my ultrasound and found it to be normal that time, my OB has basically put me on pre eclampsia watch.  She isn't majorly concerned, since my blood pressure has been great every other time, and there's no protein in my urine, but I did some blood tests to have kind of a baseline so that if I have another high reading, we can redo the blood tests and see if I'm developing an issue.  Better to be cautious, I suppose.

Some interesting new developments are that I will soon not fit behind the wheel of our Maxima, my brain is getting so bad that I heard the Keurig finish my drink and I opened the dishwasher as if I would find it in there, and it took me almost 10 minutes to put on tennis shoes today.  Strangers now feel comfortable commenting on "the baby".  I guess it's good that I look pregnant and not like I just ate a village and walk with a natural waddle.

At our growth scan last week, baby boy (who I've started referring to as "Chunk") was measuring about 2lbs and 15oz.  Little girl (who has a first name that we aren't planning to share until we've decided on a boy's name as well) was measuring about 2lb 8oz.  They were both head down and facing my back, and they were not cooperative, so we got no pictures of their faces or profiles.  Also, my OB warned me that because Chunk is weighing about 15% more than Little Lady and would be the second one out in a vaginal birth, there is a higher risk of him going into distress in a vaginal delivery if that weight trend continues.  Honestly, I was planning on having a c section anyway due to my desire to just get the babies out safely and quickly and because only certain doctors in the practice are comfortable trying to turn him if he turns once he has a whole uterus to himself (which twins often do).   My OB is very pro vaginal delivery, and continues to give me the option of trying that way, but my gut says to go with the C section and try to keep things as chaos free as possible.  I honestly don't care one bit how they get here.  Just that they do and that I don't do anything that would put additional stress on them during delivery.  So, anyone thinking about lecturing me about the benefits of vaginal delivery, please save it.  I have plenty of hard choices ahead of me, and I've made this one and am comfortable with it.  

I've been very slowly getting the nursery organized the last few weeks, and I hope to have it decorated and organized in the next week or two.  I'll share pictures once I've got it all put together.  I want to also put some of the things together (like the Momaroo and mobiles) and turn them on from time to time so the dogs can get used to the noises and lights and things.  I'm getting a little nervous about how they're going to adjust.  Hopefully they will one way or another.   They've managed to adjust to moving all the time, so maybe two additional humans in the house won't bother them too much.  

 I haven't done this in a while, so here goes! 

30 weeks:

Symptoms - hip and back pain, swelling in hands and feet, sooo much sleeping, lots of dreams (and all of them totally weird)

Cravings- Juice, Nutella hot chocolate 

Food aversions - None (other than stuff I never like). 

Fun fact - Much to my surprise, my skin loves the second and third trimesters.   Can it please stay this way forever?  

27 Week Update

Good news!  The downstairs reconstruction is all finished, and the nursery is painted!  FINALLY!  Even better than that is that the babies had their fetal echocardiograms, and everything looks normal.  What a relief!  They were not exactly cooperative for the first attempt, and the doctor wasn't able to see everything she wanted to, so they had me come back 2 weeks later to try again, and this time, they got what they needed to determine that everything looks ok.  We had been a tiny bit concerned about their weight differences at the anatomy scan, and at the first attempt at the fetal echo, they were both growing as they should.  One was 1lb8oz and the other was 1lb11oz.   I was so focused on the growth, I didn't pay attention to who weighs what.   We'll see at the growth scan in another week and a half.  Pretty much everything is going well with this pregnancy right now except that these babies are greedy and sucking up more vitamins than I can keep up with, which we're trying to remedy with extra pills and B12 injections.  I was a little bummed to be back to injecting myself, as there is a little part of me that associates injections with the "wishing and waiting" period I was in for so long, but it really is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, and I'll happily do what needs to be done so that I have plenty of vitamins for these babies to steal.

Here are some pictures from the fetal echo.

Baby Girl

Baby Boy

A creepy face shot of our little boy, but he's waving :)

I can't believe that I'm only a week away from the third trimester.  I know I've said it a million times, but it's so hard to believe.  It's hard to believe I'm pregnant.  It's hard to believe we've made it this far.  It's hard to believe these are OUR babies.  It just seems like a dream sometimes.  It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and the constant back and hip pain remind me that it's really and truly happening, but it's hard to even connect that discomfort with the cause, because it just doesn't seem real.  I think it's still a crazy concept to Matt, too.  Yesterday, the painters were here, and Matt and I were standing in the kitchen talking about the upcoming hospital tour and how I'm going to kill him if he doesn't suggest some boy names or stop vetoing mine, and he just started laughing and said, "What are we going to do with two babies?"  Every once in a while, it sinks in for one of us, and we both kind of freak out that we don't know what we're doing and have a good laugh about how crazy this whole thing seems.  Honestly, though, no one really knows if they are going to "get it" or not.   I've seen plenty of people who think they know exactly what they're doing end up totally lost and others who don't have a nurturing bone in their bodies end up being totally on top of this parenting thing.  We have plenty of practice with cleaning up drool and wiping butts and wrinkles and noses, thanks to Stig and Orion, so I think we'll have that part covered.  All I know is the chaos and the sleeplessness and the adjustments will all be better than the years of infertility and miscarriages.  That's not to say it won't be hard.  The difference is this kind of hard comes with a reward.  The reward all those tears and shots and dr.'s visits and heart wrenching moments were all for.  I hope I never forget how lucky we are.   I hope every painful moment of the 4 years it took us to get to this point will serve as a reminder of how much we have to be grateful for and that we won't take it for granted.

You Can Call Me Major Weight Gain

Yesterday was officially 23 weeks, and I had another OB appointment.  The appointment didn't start out great, since I've apparently gained so much weight that the nurse was in disbelief and reweighed me.  She didn't say that, but I could see the surprise on her face when she went to put in the number on the computer and then realized what my starting weight was.  She asked me how many weeks I have left, and I said, "A lot.  I am 23 weeks with twins, so no more than 15."  She seemed less shocked by my weight after that, but my blood pressure didn't recover from the shock quite as quickly.  It wasn't terrible, though.  The doctor didn't express concern about either, luckily.   I asked her about my swelling, since it has started up again as the temps went up this week and I also had company and was outside and on my feet a lot more than normal.  She wasn't super concerned, since elevating my feet tends to relieve it and they were fine when I went in, but she gave me a list of symptoms I should call about right away should they show up.  She also said that it isn't uncommon to see swelling much earlier with twin pregnancies.  Then she measured my fundal height (basically, uterus size), and I was measuring 30 weeks, which she said made the swelling even less surprising.

I have my glucose tolerance test coming up, which I was dreading, because I've had it done at least 4 times before, with two of those times being 3+ hours.   I tend to pass out or become too faint to stand at that point,  since I have reactive hypoglycemia.  No fun at all, and I just don't think that could be good for the babies, either.  I discussed my concerns with her at the last appointment, so at this appointment, she got in touch with the perinatologist and asked if she'd be ok with me doing a regular meal instead of the drink and then testing after an hour as usual.  Since I don't tend to just chug 50g of straight glucose in my every day life, this makes much more sense to me.  The perinatologist was on board, and I am so relieved.  That drink is the devil.

My next appointment will be the fetal echocardiograms with the perinatologist.  I am a little nervous about it, but this is one test I am ok with having them run, since I do want to be prepared if we're going to have a baby that needs surgery right away or something.  I refuse to think about preparing for any outcomes that can't be fixed.  I'm obviously really hoping that we won't have anything to worry about at all, though.

I know 24 weeks isn't a magic number, but I'm feeling relieved to be less than a week away from viability.  I don't know if I'll ever really believe that we are going to be parents to these two babies on earth, but I feel like the closer I get to 24 weeks, the more it seems like a real possibility.  Things have progressed so quickly the last few weeks, and that has helped make it seem more real, too.  I went from not being sure what I was feeling one week, to feeling movement every day the next week, and now only two weeks after that, I'm feeling them and seeing them move from the outside.  It's so weird.  But also a cool reminder that they are alive in there.  I spent the first 18 weeks using my doppler every single week, so scared that we'd lose one or both.  Not because there was any logical concern with this pregnancy, but because it's all I've experienced.  It's so incredibly strange and wonderful every time I see them wiggling on an ultrasound or see my belly move or feel a little hand or foot or elbow jab me.  Soon, it will probably feel like I ate live acrobats, but for now, I am really enjoying it.

Scans, Showers, and Swelling

The past few weeks have gone by so fast!  I have so many updates, and fortunately, most of them are good. First, we had our anatomy scan earlier this month, and everything looked normal.  I was so incredibly relieved.  It also confirmed that we have one little boy and one little girl in there!  I still struggle to believe that these are our babies.  On the way home from that appointment, I told Matt that every time we have an ultrasound, it feels like I'm looking at someone else's babies.  It's just so hard to believe.  He said that seeing them on the anatomy scan was the first time he really thought of them as people.  Our children.   I've started to feel movement multiple times a day, which is reassuring and pretty cool.  I'd felt movement a week or two before the anatomy scan, but I wasn't sure I was actually feeling babies.  It felt like fish flopping around in my belly, so I didn't know what else it would be, but I guess it seemed unreal that I'd actually be feeling them move.

Here are a few pictures from the scan!

Baby B (boy)

Baby A (girl)

We left the day after our anatomy scan to head home to Mississippi for a visit and two baby showers that were thrown for us.  I know it's early for baby showers, but we knew I wouldn't be able to travel for much longer, and our sweet families were excited to throw them for us anyway.  I'm glad we didn't wait!  It was not a very comfortable ride, but it was so worth it to see our families and friends for a couple of weeks before we buckle down and start working on getting the nursery ready.  One unpleasant and unexpected surprise on our trip was that I had major foot and ankle swelling.  I hadn't had that problem until we got to Mississippi, and it made me a little nervous, but I felt find otherwise, and my blood pressure was normal.  So much for wearing my cute little sandals, though!  Now that we're back at our house, my feet are back to normal.  We had a lot of fun despite the swelling, though.  Our showers were so awesome, and I can't believe how lucky we were to have so many people helping with it all and sharing it with us.

Shower #1

                               

Shower #2

Spending our last night at dinner with this beautiful view.

The baby kicks and rolls and punches have become stronger, and Matt got to feel them for the first time.  He said it felt like goldfish in a bag.  Haha!   It's still somewhat subtle, but it's picking up!  I'm starting to feel the nesting phase coming on, which is great, but a tad late for me.  I think a lot of people with singletons feel good at this point in their pregnancies, but I started vomiting and dry heaving again this past week, and my back pain is nothing to mess with.  So, I do a little at a time and feel like I'm not making a dent in anything.  Hopefully once our downstairs is all put back together and we can clear out the room that will become the nursery, it won't feel so overwhelming.

Last week with my swollen legs/feet and looking sweaty and tired at 21 weeks.

And an update for my last post:  I was wondering how my uterus was measuring.  At 18w4d, it was measuring 24.5 weeks.  OB says that's normal, and now I don't feel so bad for being so big.

Pains, Poorness, and Pushy People

I'm 18 weeks today, which is very possibly the halfway mark, since average delivery for a twin pregnancy is at 35-36 weeks.  It appears I might be approaching another "growth spurt", since I've had major round ligament pain this week, and I had another wave of nausea and vomiting last week followed by a few days of being ridiculously hungry.  Sometimes when I think about how much I can eat these days, it scares me a little.  It reminds me of when I went through a growth spurt in elementary school and could eat 2,000 calorie snacks.  I feel like I spend 80% of my day eating.  I'm not sure at this point how much of my belly is fat and how much is all the baby related stuff.  I know it's grown like crazy, though.  This round ligament pain is no joke!  I didn't know to expect it to last so long or feel so much different from what I've felt so far, and I actually called the doctor to see if I should be concerned.  I'll be interested to see what my uterus is measuring at my appointment on Monday.  I think if it weren't for my cavernous belly button/fat, I'd look about 25 weeks or more.  Instead, I just look like I ate an entire McDonalds.  Oh well.

This coming week is going to be super busy, and I'm anxious about the anatomy scan, but nothing to do but wait and stay in the present.  I need a break from all the worrying and stressing I've done this month.  We'd been talking about getting a new car, since our bigger vehicle has lots of miles and has seen better days.  Then, of course, our basement flooded for the second time due to a sewage backup, and we ended up dealing with that and spending what could have been a decent down payment on fixing plumbing that was installed incorrectly by a company who has fallen off the earth.  Our "basement" is actually over 1,000 feet and houses our guest room, a full bath, and our living room, and it is currently stripped.  Like drywall cut out, flooring ripped up, toilet detached, no sink, etc.  I keep telling myself we have lots of time for this to be finished before the babies get here, but my real worry is that we planned to turn my craft room into the nursery and move the craft room to an extra room downstairs, but all our living room furniture is currently taking up that space.  Anyway, things could be worse, and at least this is all happening before we have two newborns.  I'm just getting really antsy, since I know by the time it's all finished, I'm probably going to be beyond the point of being able to help much with the nursery.

On another note, I've noticed something interesting.  I will never stop getting unsolicited advice no matter what the situation.  I am so used to getting senseless advice about our infertility that I guess it surprised me to be getting it now for pregnancy and parenting.  People want to comment on what I registered for, lecture me about the benefits of breastfeeding and vaginal delivery (really??  I never heard these things before!), tell me how I'll end up cosleeping no matter what because it's easier, etc.  I can tell I'm going to enjoy that as much as I did all the "just stop trying and it will happen" remarks.  I sure do wish there wasn't so much judgement among moms, but such is life.  I'll do what works for me, and I'll ignore the critiques.  I'm pretty sure my babies won't be totally stupid full of hate for me if I end up with a c-section or give them a bottle.

18 weeks: 
Symptoms:  SERIOUS round ligament pain, hip pain, lower back stiffness, always hot, crazy dreams
Food aversions:  Depends on the day, but no major ones anymore
Cravings:   Watermelon, Rita's Italian Ice, veggie sandwiches, chocolate almond milk, yogurt

Here's What's New

So, here I am in the second trimester, and it feels crazy.  I still think of the day I got my third beta result and just cried all day thinking it was over, but here I am at 15 weeks and 3 days with two babies who seem to be doing just fine.  It blows my mind.  Because I hadn't had an ultrasound for a while, I started to freak out a little, and doubt crept in.  My husband was out of the country without his phone for a little over 3 weeks, and that didn't help my anxiety at all, either.  So, I got very good with the Doppler, which helped some.  I did still have my moments of crazy where I'd think, "What if I'm finding the same heartbeat from different places and one is really dead?"  Yes, I have those morbid thoughts.  I do my best to stay calm, but when your first baby is discovered to have passed away after being very much alive two days before, it's hard to get past the fear of it happening again.  Yes, I'm beyond the point that tmiscarriage is most likely to happen, but I don't get to be naive anymore.  I've seen so many later losses that I can't live in denial.  That's not to say that I live in fear either.  I just have moments of fear, and that's ok.  I'm pretty sure that is what life is like as a parent.  If you don't worry about your kids, please call me and explain to me how you've accomplished this.
   
Since my last post, I've switched OBs.  I think I'm going to feel more secure with this one, and she'll have me seeing a high risk OB (MFM)  as well.  The previous OB was nice enough, but I am pretty sure she was far more confident in my ability to carry two babies than I am.  Her plan included treating me as a low risk singleton pregnancy plus a few extra cervical checks, and I'm not so comfortable with that.  If I'd had a normal pregnancy prior to this, that might change things, but I haven't.  When she told me I could travel until I'm 36 weeks, that was the nail in the coffin.  I'm not trying to deliver babies on a plane or in a car.  If she isn't concerned about that, I dont think I could trust her treatment plan or judgement.  The new OB said my uterus is measuring 20 weeks, so I don't feel quite as bad about looking giant, and she said that's normal for a twin pregnancy.  Hooray!  It feels good to be having a "normal" pregnancy!

Since we asked the new OBs office about an ultrasound, and they weren't planning to do one since they're sending me to the MFM for one, we scheduled one at a private place so we could find out genders.   Matt got home the day before, and was pretty surprised by how my bump has blown up.  I think that made it more real for him.  The place we went to guarantees they can confirm gender by 13 weeks, which seems so early!   Ours was at 15 weeks exactly, and both babies measured 15w6d.  They determined right away that one baby is a girl.  I'd be over the moon no matter what, but a little part of me has been hoping for one of each, because I would like to have one of each eventually, and we don't have the luxury of feeling confident we can have more children after this.  So, after lots of messing with us, the second baby finally gave us a decent view, and they determined that one is a boy.  We couldn't believe it!  Really, though, just seeing them again and seeing them move and stretch was so incredible and reassuring.  There were definitely a few tears shed by me.  We went to celebrate after with lunch at this southern place, and it was just the perfect day!  Anatomy scan is scheduled for Aug 12, and then we will be headed home to visit family before I'm too big to fit in a car.


15 weeks:
Cravings: Veggie wraps, salads, watermelon, chocolate coconut milk
Food aversions:  Pretty much everything else
Symptoms:  Getting worn out easily, hip pain, still congested, peeing frequently, nausea, crazy dreams/nightmares, round ligament pain

Thank You

Just now, as I was driving a few towns over to pick up the ONLY thing that sounded good for dinner, I was feeling a little frustrated with being so hungry but having so many food aversions and so much nausea.  Then I realized that is a wonderful problem to have, and it's all a part of what I've waited all these years for.  I don't have to love every symptom, but I have a lot more to be thankful for than I have to complain about.  It got me thinking about how lucky I am for the people in my life that have saved my sanity during the time we've been dealing with infertility and miscarriages.  So, at the risk of this sounding like an award acceptance speech, I really need to express my gratitude.
   
To those who listened as I expressed worry about it taking so long to conceive, those who asked about our doctors appointments and let me talk it through,  those who let me cry over pregnancy announcements and understood that it was only about my concern that it wasn't a possibility for me and not because I'm a bitter hag, thank you for giving me the courage to seek answers and speak out about what I was going through without judgement.  

To those who celebrated every small victory with me, those who didn't dismiss my sadness or invalidate my feelings, to my husband who has seen me crying on the floor like a toddler, thank you for making me to feel loved during a time when I felt broken and flawed.

To those who supported me through our miscarriages by visiting, keeping me stocked with Kleenex and movies, calling, sending sweet messages and gifts to honor my babies, and sharing your own stories of loss with me, thank you for helping me to grieve the way I needed to.

To those who came to my rescue when I was asked for the 1,000th time whether I was going to have children, those who came to doctors appointments, those who gave me injections I was afraid to give myself, those who walked with me at and contributed to the Walk of Hope for infertility, and those who understood when I couldn't bring myself to join the conversation about babies or go shopping with them for baby things, thank you so much for helping to preserve my sanity and allowing me to guard my heart so that it could start to heal.

Finally, to those who have taught me so much, have walked the same path, and who started out as strangers in an infertility community and became incredible friends, thank you for making me feel normal and for understanding me better than anyone who hasn't been here could.

We have a long way to go in this pregnancy, and I don't believe there is such a thing as "out of the woods" when it comes to pregnancy and then parenthood, but I know I have some pretty awesome people in my life that have shown me more support than I could ever have imagined.  I feel pretty lucky.