Celebrating Two, Missing Two

Yesterday I was talking to someone that was looking to buy some baby clothes from me.  She told me how excited they were to be having a boy and that they also have a daughter who will be 3 in August.  I felt this tightness in my chest like my heart was being squeezed, and it took me by surprise.  It's not that I was unaware of the 23rd approaching or that I'd forgotten that I should have a 3 year old this year.  I guess I'd just been busy enough that I'd been able to "tune out" that grief so I didn't have to deal with it right now, and it found a way to sneak up on me.  The feelings are so complicated, because while aren't celebrating the birth of our 3 year old, we have two perfect children who are 7 months old today.

Now, buckle up for some crazy talk/ramblings that is more for me than for readers:  I know it's so out there to some, but I do sometimes wonder if the souls of these babies lost to miscarriage (or abortion) are still destined for earth and if perhaps they just need a different vehicle.  After losing our first baby, I had dreams about a baby who then became a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.  So, now I look at this happy, beautiful, funny 7 month old with her blonde hair and blue eyes and wonder so many things.  In one dream, I had two girls, and I couldn't see the younger one, but someone commented on her auburn hair.  When I woke up I thought how strange it was, because no one in our families has red hair, and why couldn't I see this other baby?   So, while I did not end up with two girls, my sweet and snuggly baby boy has auburn hair. Coincidence?  Maternal instincts?  So, while I grieve for the babies that we lost, I can't help but to wonder if there are little pieces of them right here on earth with us.  I know if we would have had those two babies when we should have, we wouldn't have been likely to have the ones we do.  So, while I don't think that was God's "plan" to take two babies and give us two others as if it is some kind of even trade, I am beyond grateful for our Pearl and William despite the circumstances that got them to us.

I often struggle to be the mom I want to be and that they deserve, and on days like today, I'm reminded of the person I once was who would do literally ANYTHING to be a mother.  The person who wanted to slap the next mom who complained to me about their clingy baby or how they never got to sit down to eat a meal anymore.  I knew these were valid complaints, but when you have no baby in your arms, you can't imagine ever complaining about a baby who needs you too much.  So, when Pearl starts crying the minute I go to take a bite of my lunch or William's growth spurt has him up at 3am acting like he is going to waste away in the next 5 seconds, I try to remind myself not to be that mom the old me would've wanted to slap.  Be the mom that deserves these two precious little critters.  If it's even possible to deserve something like that. Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel to have had 7 months of seeing and holding and snuggling them.  Spit up, sleep deprivation, meltdowns, blowouts, and all.  Though there will always be two little places in my heart that nothing else will fill, my heart is still so full somehow.

Outtakes from their 7 month "photoshoot":

This is her new attitude look.  

There are no words for this.  And there is a sock stuck in the cushions.

Pearl, save me!  I think the fan is after me!

I thought I was clever putting the sticker on the couch...

"What?  I didn't kick him.  I'm just doing my stretches."