Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Parent

I never paid much attention to the "rules" and changes that come with the parenting experience until I was a parent myself, because who cares?  Now that I have kids and have some new responsibilities, I'm learning a lot.  Allow me to share with you some of what I've learned.

- A person who previously could not drink a cup of coffee without having heart palpitations can often handle two cups at a time once children come into the picture.

- Letting a child cry for any amount of time is abuse.  If you've allowed your baby to cry for any amount of time in her life and she appears happy and healthy, it's because she's faking.  She actually is hopeless and doesn't trust you.

- People want to know if your child sleeps through the night.  Because if she does, you've been abusing and starving her.  If she doesn't, it's because you're failing as a parent.

- You must ALWAYS listen to doctors.  They are always right.  Even if they all have conflicting advice.  It's ALL correct, because they have medical degrees.  They don't need to learn anything new once they have that degree, because medicine never changes.  Don't question them.*  If you don't also have a medical degree, you are only capable of getting health information from mommy blogs and memes.

*The exception to this is that you should NEVER listen to doctors who practice any type of alternative or integrative medicine.  They are quacks.  It doesn't matter if they can provide scientific evidence to back up their treatment methods.  It's psuedoscience.  No one needs vitamins, herbs will all kill you, and only the pharmaceutical companies have your best interest at heart.  (Don't worry about the fact that the US has the highest infant mortality rate among developed nations and that the third leading cause of death is medical error.  I'm sure it's just all those anti-science/anti-medicine people and their kids that are dying.)

- You must introduce new foods one at a time and only every few days so that you can identify possible allergens.  Medicines (including vaccines) are safe for everyone of every age and should be taken in cocktails and without question, because no one has ever had a reaction of any sort to anything made in a lab.  Except for when they did, but those people don't matter, and everyone else is fine, so do it anyway.  And really, the only reaction worth noting is death.  Lifelong issues like autoimmune diseases, severe food allergies, diabetes, GI issues, seizures, ADD, etc. are no big deal.  What we really have to worry about is chickenpox.  Remember how you and everyone you knew died or had lifelong problems from that?

- As soon as you think you have something figured out, it's time for a change.

- You MUST decide what kind of parent you are and wear that label proudly.  Attachment parent, helicopter parent, sleep training parent, free range parent....  Don't forget to post articles every day to let people know they're doing it wrong.

- Don't worry too much or too little.  It's very easy to control that.  Get it together.

- Disciplining children is wrong.  You don't want to break their spirits.  You want them to be happy, and society will make sure to treat them the same way as adults that you have as children, so they don't need any skills or to understand consequences.

- Sleep training is for lazy people.  Only lazy people would stay up all night for a week or more to soothe their baby in short intervals so that they can feel secure enough to start sleeping on their own.

- If you are able to sleep, shower, or eat, you're probably neglecting your child.  Good parents should have no time to themselves.

- A good way to keep diseases at bay is to vaccinate heavily, but take your sick baby around everyone you can.  Take them to the store, daycare, other people's houses, birthday parties.  Remember, no one gets sick from anything there isn't a vaccine for.

- You must be ready for a debate about every choice you make.  If someone did something one way and their kids "turned out fine," you must do it the same way so that yours will turn out fine as well.

- Many parents don't appreciate sarcasm and will become defensive upon reading this post.  In response, they will say one of the things above in a passive aggressive manner.