Today has been bittersweet. I'm 36w2d, the babies appear healthy, and so far, I've avoided the complications that I worried a lot about from the beginning of this pregnancy. Those are all incredible, beautiful, wonderful things. But today, I've been incredibly anxious about going into labor, because on this day three years ago, I was in a totally different place in our journey, leaving the hospital with a hole in my heart.
Three years ago today, I experienced the deepest heartache I ever have. I went for our 3rd ultrasound for our first baby at 8 weeks and found out that baby had died in the two days since my last appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist we'd been seeing up to that point. I wish I could say that finally having a healthy pregnancy and being so close to having two babies in my arms has undone the pain of that loss, but it will always be there on some level. I will never forget any detail of that day. It was traumatic, and it changed my life. Having these babies will probably only make me wonder even more about what that baby would have been like or how the dynamic of our family might have been different. I don't believe that it "happened for a reason" other than that sometimes nature is flawed and cruel, so that platitude I so often hear doesn't bring me any comfort. What does bring me comfort is that even though I won't know that baby (or our second) on earth, I will carry them in my heart right along with any living children we have. They'll never know hurt or fear or loss, and they were so loved. Fortunately, time has brought me peace, and instead of living everyday in the dark place I was in for a while, I'm able to be grateful for the time I did have and for the answers that loss pushed me to seek. I may cry every year on this day for the rest of my life, but I think that's ok. On this day three years ago, I said goodbye to our first child, and there's no forgetting that. Because of that experience, I also won't forget how lucky I am once I finally hold Pearl and William in my arms and get the chance to know all I can about them.
I'm reading this on the 13th, but such huge hugs to you. I wish I'd seen this yesterday and messaged you. I know you will always miss your first two children and think about them. I'm excited for Pearl and William to be here but nothing will replace the children you lost. *hugs*
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