Expectations

There are a lot of things I expected during pregnancy and a lot I didn't expect.  I expected to feel like it's totally surreal.  I expected to be big and hungry and tired.  Here's something I didn't expect: twins.  I guess I should have, because others apparently did.  Not long before we conceived our first baby, I was talking to my grandma, and she told me that she'd seen a girl in the park that looked just like me, and she was pushing twins in a stroller.  She said she felt it was a sign I'd have twins.  I laughed but mentally dismissed the possibility.  If I couldn't manage to get pregnant, I definitely wasn't going to end up with twins!  Matt's aunt said she saw us having twins.  Years passed and I felt like maybe the twins she invisioned were really just two separate babies that would never make it to earth.  Before we conceived the second time, I was started on Letrozole, which is used off label for ovulation stimulation.  I ovulate like clockwork, so it was just something to try in case the eggs weren't mature at ovulation.  Letrozole is typically meant to make one quality egg rather than two or more.  Because of this, the "risk" of conceiving twins with Letrozole is about 3.4% (according to one study).  We did 3 cycles of Letrozole, and those cycles didn't work.  Later, when I was not on any medications, I had an ultrasound that showed I'd ovulated from both ovaries.  My doctor was pretty surprised and commented that we may conceive twins that month.  Instead, no babies were conceived at all.  No huge surprise there.  When people would say things like, "maybe you'll have twins," I'd tell them that I'd rather not.  Carrying one baby was scary enough.  Twin pregnancies come with more risks, and I didn't want extra risks.  On the cycle we conceived, I went for my follicle scan, and the doctor saw two mature follicles and told me that meant a 7-10% chance of twins.  After I realized he didn't say "72%" (he has a thick accent), I just said "ok" and was on my way without much of a second thought.    On the day of our IUI, he told us again that the chance was 7-10%.  Meh.  Whatever, doc. We knew we'd be lucky if even one stuck.  Well, here we are.   Expecting our twins in less than 2 months.  I wonder if it will ever sink in.  It's strange to feel like this was a hard fought battle, and the result was that we got even more than we thought we were fighting for.  In a good way, of course.

I have to be honest that I didn't expect to make it to this point.  I mean, I've definitely gotten more confident with each passing week, but it's been a mental struggle to prepare things, because I guess I'm still afraid on some level that this isn't going to happen.  I have avoided taking tags off of things or opening things until it's down to the wire, and I really need to have some clothes ready for them and a diaper bag at least partially stocked.  So each week, I've done a little more.   The nursery still needs finishing touches, but it's functional.  We're getting there.  I am terrified, but I also can't wait.