Celebrating Two, Missing Two

Yesterday I was talking to someone that was looking to buy some baby clothes from me.  She told me how excited they were to be having a boy and that they also have a daughter who will be 3 in August.  I felt this tightness in my chest like my heart was being squeezed, and it took me by surprise.  It's not that I was unaware of the 23rd approaching or that I'd forgotten that I should have a 3 year old this year.  I guess I'd just been busy enough that I'd been able to "tune out" that grief so I didn't have to deal with it right now, and it found a way to sneak up on me.  The feelings are so complicated, because while aren't celebrating the birth of our 3 year old, we have two perfect children who are 7 months old today.

Now, buckle up for some crazy talk/ramblings that is more for me than for readers:  I know it's so out there to some, but I do sometimes wonder if the souls of these babies lost to miscarriage (or abortion) are still destined for earth and if perhaps they just need a different vehicle.  After losing our first baby, I had dreams about a baby who then became a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.  So, now I look at this happy, beautiful, funny 7 month old with her blonde hair and blue eyes and wonder so many things.  In one dream, I had two girls, and I couldn't see the younger one, but someone commented on her auburn hair.  When I woke up I thought how strange it was, because no one in our families has red hair, and why couldn't I see this other baby?   So, while I did not end up with two girls, my sweet and snuggly baby boy has auburn hair. Coincidence?  Maternal instincts?  So, while I grieve for the babies that we lost, I can't help but to wonder if there are little pieces of them right here on earth with us.  I know if we would have had those two babies when we should have, we wouldn't have been likely to have the ones we do.  So, while I don't think that was God's "plan" to take two babies and give us two others as if it is some kind of even trade, I am beyond grateful for our Pearl and William despite the circumstances that got them to us.

I often struggle to be the mom I want to be and that they deserve, and on days like today, I'm reminded of the person I once was who would do literally ANYTHING to be a mother.  The person who wanted to slap the next mom who complained to me about their clingy baby or how they never got to sit down to eat a meal anymore.  I knew these were valid complaints, but when you have no baby in your arms, you can't imagine ever complaining about a baby who needs you too much.  So, when Pearl starts crying the minute I go to take a bite of my lunch or William's growth spurt has him up at 3am acting like he is going to waste away in the next 5 seconds, I try to remind myself not to be that mom the old me would've wanted to slap.  Be the mom that deserves these two precious little critters.  If it's even possible to deserve something like that. Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel to have had 7 months of seeing and holding and snuggling them.  Spit up, sleep deprivation, meltdowns, blowouts, and all.  Though there will always be two little places in my heart that nothing else will fill, my heart is still so full somehow.

Outtakes from their 7 month "photoshoot":

This is her new attitude look.  

There are no words for this.  And there is a sock stuck in the cushions.

Pearl, save me!  I think the fan is after me!

I thought I was clever putting the sticker on the couch...

"What?  I didn't kick him.  I'm just doing my stretches."

Chicken Baby and Little Howard Dean

    So, I've been a little busy.  I'm sure that comes as a real shock, but it's true.  I'm going to try to keep this update somewhat brief since there are dishes to be done during this small window of free time I have while the babies catch their evening catnap.  They are 6 months old now, and it's amazing how different things are. I feel like "amazing" is overused, so the fact that I'm using it means I'm serious.  It actually amazes me.  They are both rolling back to belly now.  Pearl started right at about 5 months, and William started just before 6.  Once they did it once, they did it all the time.  They also have started solids.  We're doing baby led weaning.  This means a huge mess, but they weren't at all interested in purees other than stealing the spoon and gnawing on it.  We survived their 4 month sleep regressions (although it didn't happen until about 5.5 months for Pearl), and they sleep well unless there's a diaper leak or they are going through a "leap".  They now smile at each other and babble, grab at each other, and poke each other in the eyes.

We won't eat our avocado, but we WILL eat feet.

Let's make each other smile...

That's enough talking, sister.  

Huh?  Where do you want us to look?  

Pearl seems to do most things first.  She's a do-er.  She observes people very seriously, but she doesn't wait to see how something is done.  She just goes for it.  After over 3 months of dealing with scary GI problems, we found a great doctor who suggested a bone broth and liver based formula.  Not conventional at all, but guess what?  It did what the commercial formulas failed to do.  Her pediatrician is impressed, and we are happy we can ditch the GI doctors that did nothing for her. She is very silly and is constantly babbling, screaming (this is why I call her Little Howard Dean), cooing, doing belly laughs, and blowing raspberries.  She is a thumb sucker, a belly sleeper, a morning person, a foot chewer, and a dog lover.  She's constantly reaching for the dogs and trying to pet them and talk to them.  They are sweet to her, though Stig doesn't care for her screaming, so he goes downstairs when he's had enough. She thinks it's funny to pull William's ears and steal toys from him.  She is terrified of sneezes and likes cauliflower and sweet potato.  She was 15lbs 5oz and 26" (although I think she cheated) at her 6 month well check, and she has tiny little feet that are still in newborn sized shoes.  She makes William cry a good bit with all her toy stealing, eye poking, and screaming.

William is an observer.  He watches everything carefully and with curiosity and is happy to sit back and watch Pearl for a while before trying it himself.  Except for sitting.  We tried to practice sitting up   unassisted,  and he caught on pretty fast.  He also quickly figured out that it's fun to throw himself backwards onto the pillows, though.  He still has a startle reflex, so we had him in a Merlin Magic Sleep suit, which was actually magical, but now we're trying to transition him to a ZipadeeZip sleep sack since it's safe to roll over in that.  It cracks me up, because he looks like a little rotisserie chicken when he sleeps (hence the name Chicken Baby). William is serious about his sleep and doesn't like to be woken up.  He generally naps longer than Pearl and needs a minute to wake up in the morning.  He loves blankets, and gets super excited to play with them.  He likes fitting both hands in his mouth and sometimes borrows Pearl's hands and feet to chew on.  He hates when clothes go over his head, and he fights like his life is being threatened. Trying to put clothes on him is a workout.  He is not impressed with any foods.  He has plagiocephaly and had a weak shoulder that may have been injured in utero, and instead of going the helmet and traditional PT route, we have been seeing a doctor who does osteopathic manipulation (same one who suggested the "meat juice" formula.).  The results have been so impressive.  His shoulder is no longer weak, and he doesn't avoid using it.  His head is starting to become rounder and more symmetrical, and he can easily turn it in all directions.  He was 16lbs and 26" at their 6 month appointment.

Top:Before Osteopathic Manipulation. Bottom: After 2 treatments (1 month)

   

** In case you aren't familiar with the Howard Dean scream, here it is: 

Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Parent

I never paid much attention to the "rules" and changes that come with the parenting experience until I was a parent myself, because who cares?  Now that I have kids and have some new responsibilities, I'm learning a lot.  Allow me to share with you some of what I've learned.

- A person who previously could not drink a cup of coffee without having heart palpitations can often handle two cups at a time once children come into the picture.

- Letting a child cry for any amount of time is abuse.  If you've allowed your baby to cry for any amount of time in her life and she appears happy and healthy, it's because she's faking.  She actually is hopeless and doesn't trust you.

- People want to know if your child sleeps through the night.  Because if she does, you've been abusing and starving her.  If she doesn't, it's because you're failing as a parent.

- You must ALWAYS listen to doctors.  They are always right.  Even if they all have conflicting advice.  It's ALL correct, because they have medical degrees.  They don't need to learn anything new once they have that degree, because medicine never changes.  Don't question them.*  If you don't also have a medical degree, you are only capable of getting health information from mommy blogs and memes.

*The exception to this is that you should NEVER listen to doctors who practice any type of alternative or integrative medicine.  They are quacks.  It doesn't matter if they can provide scientific evidence to back up their treatment methods.  It's psuedoscience.  No one needs vitamins, herbs will all kill you, and only the pharmaceutical companies have your best interest at heart.  (Don't worry about the fact that the US has the highest infant mortality rate among developed nations and that the third leading cause of death is medical error.  I'm sure it's just all those anti-science/anti-medicine people and their kids that are dying.)

- You must introduce new foods one at a time and only every few days so that you can identify possible allergens.  Medicines (including vaccines) are safe for everyone of every age and should be taken in cocktails and without question, because no one has ever had a reaction of any sort to anything made in a lab.  Except for when they did, but those people don't matter, and everyone else is fine, so do it anyway.  And really, the only reaction worth noting is death.  Lifelong issues like autoimmune diseases, severe food allergies, diabetes, GI issues, seizures, ADD, etc. are no big deal.  What we really have to worry about is chickenpox.  Remember how you and everyone you knew died or had lifelong problems from that?

- As soon as you think you have something figured out, it's time for a change.

- You MUST decide what kind of parent you are and wear that label proudly.  Attachment parent, helicopter parent, sleep training parent, free range parent....  Don't forget to post articles every day to let people know they're doing it wrong.

- Don't worry too much or too little.  It's very easy to control that.  Get it together.

- Disciplining children is wrong.  You don't want to break their spirits.  You want them to be happy, and society will make sure to treat them the same way as adults that you have as children, so they don't need any skills or to understand consequences.

- Sleep training is for lazy people.  Only lazy people would stay up all night for a week or more to soothe their baby in short intervals so that they can feel secure enough to start sleeping on their own.

- If you are able to sleep, shower, or eat, you're probably neglecting your child.  Good parents should have no time to themselves.

- A good way to keep diseases at bay is to vaccinate heavily, but take your sick baby around everyone you can.  Take them to the store, daycare, other people's houses, birthday parties.  Remember, no one gets sick from anything there isn't a vaccine for.

- You must be ready for a debate about every choice you make.  If someone did something one way and their kids "turned out fine," you must do it the same way so that yours will turn out fine as well.

- Many parents don't appreciate sarcasm and will become defensive upon reading this post.  In response, they will say one of the things above in a passive aggressive manner.

3 Months Already!

I had hoped to blog more about all the milestones and firsts with the babies, but I haven't had time.  I've actually been writing this in 5 minute intervals over the course of 4 days.  It's hard to believe they're already 3 months old.  I feel like we've shifted out of survival mode and into a more enjoyable "real life" mode.  I attribute some of this new, more enjoyable way of life to having a pretty strict schedule.  Yeah, we might miss out on going somewhere sometimes, but it's so worth it to have them both sleeping 11 hours at night and napping well during the day.  And best of all, they wake up happy and playful, and I am a much better mom when I'm rested.  It takes work and consistency, and they didn't love it the first day or two of each schedule adjustment, but it's so much better for all of us that we can all know what to expect as far as when they'll eat and sleep.  It's become kind of a joke between Matt and I that when William starts losing his mind at night, we know that it's 6:30.  Their little internal clocks are definitely set for their feeding and nap times.  Plus, if I am going to go somewhere, the last thing I want to do is spend the whole time trying to calm down two overtired, super cranky babies.  No thanks.

They've had pretty obvious personalities since before they were even born, but it's getting to be so interesting to see how those personalities develop.  William is so observant and mostly laid back (except when it's close to time to eat or when he's gassy).  He babbles a little, but it's very quiet and much less frequent than Pearl's.  He is always moving, though.  Through diaper changes, swaddling, nap time... he is always running an imaginary marathon.  I'll go to get him from his crib in the morning, and he'll be at the opposite end, turned 180 degrees.  He doesn't tire out nearly as quickly as Pearl does, but he also doesn't fight going to sleep like she does.  In the mornings, he is like a puppy - excitedly making little panting noises and wiggling all over the place when I come in to get him up.  He does this cry that sounds like "Maaaa maaaa!"  That makes Matt laugh and breaks my heart, since it is accompanied by the saddest pout you've ever seen.  He has gone from looking like a tiny, wrinkly, old man to a baby that people refer to as "chubby."   Some nicknames I've given him (in addition to him earning back "Chunk") are Mr. Wigglesworth and Silly Willy.

Mr. Wigglesworth on Easter

 Pearl is a funny little mystery.  She acts as though she isn't interested in doing something at all and then will just decide to do it one day as if she could do it all along.  She wouldn't even begin to crack a smile long after William was grinning at us on a regular basis, and then one day she just decided to start smiling and cooing.  She went from not making a peep straight to chatterbox status. Yesterday, after all this time of either just screaming or going to sleep during tummy time, she decided to roll over.  Twice. Within a minute of me putting her on her stomach.  She puts up a big fight most nights when it's bedtime, but she passes out about a minute or two into that fight.  She loves her sleep and doesn't like to miss any of her nap time. She has my crappy veins, sensitive skin, food allergies, and quick clotting blood.  Sorry, Pearl.  If she doesn't end up with my curly hair, she should be able to forgive me for the rest.  She's starting to learn how to manipulate her daddy, and I think he's ok with that.  She had her first ER visit for some scary GI stuff we've been dealing with, and she was a tough cookie.  They spent 30 minutes poking and prodding her until her little arms were cracked and bleeding from them tying and retying the tourniquet over and over, and she was still able to pull herself together and smile for the ultrasound tech after all that. I've been calling her Pearly Sue, Squirrel (because her hands are always up by her mouth), and Squirrely Pearly.

The sweetest little patient in the tiniest gown ever.

They've started interacting with each other in the last couple of weeks, though it is still rare for them to both engage with the other at the same time.  Usually, Pearl is trying to talk to William, and he's just playing and ignoring her.  Or he'll put his arm over her mouth and she'll suck on it.  And then she puts her fingers in his eyes. She also tries to hold his hand, but she's usually only successful in linking arms with him.

We get out a good bit now, although I still try to stay at home as much as possible, because I'm a hermit, and it's just easier than trying to tote the entire house with us to keep them happy at this weird age.  It can also be kind of hard to go places with them, because we get stopped a lot by people wanting to ask if they're twins.  I never thought it would happen so much, because I've never been tempted to stop strangers to talk to them about their kids, but I guess some people are just really interested.  In an hour and 15 minutes at the mall last month, I was stopped SEVEN times.  On the way back to our car today after a doctor's appointment, we were stopped 3 times.  One of them in the MIDDLE of the crosswalk by a woman with a million questions.  I mean, can we not stop on a busy street in front of a university in a big city?  Maybe I could answer your questions somewhere that doesn't put us at risk of being run over.  Then some lady just came up and said, "How old are they?  Do you breastfeed them?"  It's really strange having people ask so many questions, and sometimes I feel like I'm making a spectacle by just doing everyday things, but I guess it will become less weird as time goes on.

People have been asking me how motherhood is treating me, and it really is good.  It has it's moments where I miss sleeping past 6:30 or not having to strategically plan every outing, but I really have no complaints.  Now that the sleep deprivation is over, I think the hardest part of this parenting gig is knowing when to listen to my gut and not feeling guilty or letting my instincts get pushed aside because of what others do or say.  Whether it's the million "If your baby cries for even a minute, that's neglect" posts on Facebook or doctors trying to push me into things I don't feel are right for us, I have to continuously remind myself that I make these decisions based on what I feel is right for MY children.  I will never make decisions for them based on what others think or want me to do.  So far, my instincts have steered us right more than wrong, and I feel a little more confident with each "victory."

More Surprises - Their Birth Story

I was surprised to make it to my scheduled c section Dec 23, but somehow,  the day came and I still had babies in my uterus that didn't seem that interested in coming on their own at that point.  I hadn't even had a contraction yet. I barely slept the night before, but I'm sure most women feel that way when they know the exact date their babies will be born.  Here I am looking giant and sleepy that morning.

I had my birth plan with me that wasn't all that complicated or out of the ordinary.  I know there are those people who have this elaborate, intimate experience they expect or demands like their labors be catered and the babies to be born with the assistance of Jesus and a unicorn, but that wasn't the kind of thing I was asking for.  Basically, I wanted them to not make me wait a hundred years to see my babies - lower the drape to show them to me immediately and delay any tests that could be delayed until after skin to skin contact.  The doctor and main nurse both went over it with me and agreed these were doable.  Apparently, as with most birth plans, even if what you want is "standard", it must all go out the window if you put in writing as a birth plan.  So, I ended up not having a great c section experience as far as getting to see and hold my babies.  Matt got to hold them pretty immediately, though, and a nurse offered to take this picture.

Meeting Miss Pearl (with my arms strapped down despite what they said they'd do)

We were pretty surprised to find that the babies were smaller than we expected.  Pearl came out first at 5bs14oz and William second at 5lbs7oz.  Once again reminding me how wrong those weight estimates tend to be.  Luckily, neither of them needed NICU time.  I was so excited to finally get to see and hold them in recovery, but I had the shakes so badly that I was afraid to attempt holding them just yet.  Finally, I was able to hold each of them for a couple minutes before they came to do the fundal massage on me again.  That's when things got pretty bad.  Apparently, I have a lazy uterus.  No wonder I had no contractions.  I hemorrhaged, they whisked the babies out to the nursery, and the rest of the day was a blur of pain and wanting to see my babies and being warned that I may need a blood transfusion and there was a possibility that I'd need a hysterectomy.  So, in case you're wondering how to suck some of the magic out of what should be the best day of someone's life, that's how.   We didn't see the babies again until late that night, and I was so out of it, I don't remember much of that night.  Matt was awesome and stepped up to do all the changing, burping, feeding, and asking doctors questions.   

The next night, Christmas Eve, I was told I needed to go ahead and have the transfusion.  Over about 6 hours, I received two units of blood, and on Christmas morning, I finally could think straight and had the strength to really hold my babies.  It kind of seems like that's the day they were born.  It was really the best Christmas ever.  We were finally discharged on the 27th.  

It's been hard even though we've been lucky enough to have tons of help from our families (our moms especially), but we're so grateful to finally be home with our babies.  I could not love or appreciate my husband more than I do now.  He is such an incredible, attentive dad already, and he's taken such good care of me as well.  This was more than worth the wait.  

The Final Countdown

I'm 37 weeks today!  By some magic, my hips have not yet separated from my body, and my pubic bone hasn't broken, despite what it feels like the past week.  At my appointments last week, we found that the babies had dropped, and I was 60% effaced but not dilated, and that both were still head down.  Anyone who's had a baby knows that doesn't really mean anything, though, so I'm not sure why they even tell you.  Or why I'm sharing that. They had a non stress test, where I had no contractions, and Pearl repeatedly kicked off the monitor.  She's going to be fun.  They also had a biophysical profile to check stuff like amniotic fluid levels, practice breathing, movement, and stuff like that.  They both did great!  Though Pearl made it difficult to get a decent measurement, she was estimated at 6lbs and William at 5lbs11oz.  I'll be interested to see if Pearl really is bigger when we meet them.  If so, I'm impressed!  She started out 20% behind in size, and now she's running the show in there.  Waking up William when she throws her fits, getting in his space, trying to kick through my belly and make her way out.  She's wild.

Yesterday, I had my last appointment with the perinatologist, and we got a little surprise.  William decided to flip around, so now he's breech.  We figure he had enough of being head to head with his sister and both of them being smashed between my hip bones.  I'm impressed that he found the motivation to move so much with so little room.  I think it may explain some real discomfort I had over the weekend, though.  So, while lots of women would be upset by this breech business, I'm ok with that, since it reaffirms my gut feeling to go ahead with a c section.  Plus, I want him to be comfortable.  Now his butt is against his sister's head.  Typical.  The ultrasound tech was nice enough to point out his fat rolls, so I look forward to him living up to his nickname.

Since it was our last appointment there, the perinatologist came to say goodbye and wish me luck.  She commented on how glad she was that my pregnancy had been uncomplicated, and she joked that it was pretty boring.  I am so happy to be boring in this situation!  She asked me about the date for my scheduled c section, and when I told her it's the 23rd, she said we may want to talk to the OB about moving it up a couple of days so I could be home for Christmas.  I told her this was the Christmas gift we'd been waiting for so long that we really didn't care if we were home.  But she went on to say that the largest study done on outcomes of twins born at 37 vs 38 weeks gestation showed that those born at 37 weeks to mothers with no complications are healthier than those born at 38 weeks (due to how the placentas start to deteriorate earlier in twins).  I talked to the OB today, and she said the hospital is booked for c sections Monday and Tuesday, but we could do it tomorrow!  Um, well, that's pretty sudden!  After talking with Matt, we decided to wait.  The babies aren't showing any signs that they need to get out sooner than later, and one study of less than 300 people isn't necessarily the final say in what's "the best thing", so I'm just hoping that we made the right choice for them.  I'm sure I'll be asking myself why I waited over the next 6 days as I hobble around feeling like my body is going to give out and my feet are going to explode.

12/12/12

Today has been bittersweet.  I'm 36w2d, the babies appear healthy, and so far, I've avoided the complications that I worried a lot about from the beginning of this pregnancy.  Those are all incredible, beautiful, wonderful things.  But today, I've been incredibly anxious about going into labor, because on this day three years ago, I was in a totally different place in our journey, leaving the hospital with a hole in my heart.

Three years ago today, I experienced the deepest heartache I ever have.  I went for our 3rd ultrasound for our first baby at 8 weeks and found out that baby had died in the two days since my last appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist we'd been seeing up to that point. I wish I could say that finally having a healthy pregnancy and being so close to having two babies in my arms has undone the pain of that loss, but it will always be there on some level.  I will never forget any detail of that day.  It was traumatic, and it changed my life. Having these babies will probably only make me wonder even more about what that baby would have been like or how the dynamic of our family might have been different.  I don't believe that it "happened for a reason" other than that sometimes nature is flawed and cruel, so that platitude I so often hear doesn't bring me any comfort.  What does bring me comfort is that even though I won't know that baby (or our second) on earth, I will carry them in my heart right along with any living children we have.  They'll never know hurt or fear or loss, and they were so loved. Fortunately, time has brought me peace, and instead of living everyday in the dark place I was in for a while, I'm able to be grateful for the time I did have and for the answers that loss pushed me to seek.   I may cry every year on this day for the rest of my life, but I think that's ok.  On this day three years ago, I said goodbye to our first child, and there's no forgetting that.  Because of that experience, I also won't forget how lucky I am once I finally hold Pearl and William in my arms and get the chance to know all I can about them.

43 Weeks

Ok, so I'll actually be 35 weeks tomorrow, but at my appointment this week, my fundal height was measuring 43 weeks.  So, yeah...my body has hit that point where it's had it.  And we have up to another 3 weeks to go.  If the babies are still growing on track, I should have about 10 pounds of baby in there at this point, as well as a two placentas, two sacs of amniotic fluid, and about twice as much blood in my body as when it isn't pregnant (apparently, you get double the blood volume with twins). So, I'm starting to feel as though I've got one of my dogs strapped to my body, and I'm kind of whiny about it.  Only my flip flops will fit, and it's winter here.  My hands swell so much overnight that it messes with the nerves and joints in my hands, and I can't grip anything until the swelling goes down, which also makes it difficult to push myself up out of bed.  My back and hips feel like they are about to just detach themselves from my body and leave.  Doesn't matter if I'm sitting, standing, or lying down.  They aren't happy.  I'm also the biggest clutz, which doesn't work well when I can't bend over very far or squat very low to pick up all the things I drop.  Yesterday, I knocked all the bottles I'd just washed and sterilized off the counter and onto the floor I haven't mopped in a scary long time.  Today, I tried to open a bag of cranberries, and they exploded and went all over the kitchen.  Stuff like this happens pretty much daily now thanks to my brick hands.  Still, even with all these weird adjustments, this is easier than the emotional pain I was in before we got so lucky as to conceive these two wiggly babies, and I know there's an end and that there are two huge rewards when I get there.

In my last post, I shared our baby girl's name, and now we have agreed on a real name for Chunk.  His name will be William like some of the awesome men in our families, including my dad, Matt's brother, both our grandfathers, and two of our uncles.  It also means "strong willed warrior", which seems appropriate, since I think he was our "surprise" baby that showed up a little later but caught up quickly and has been a great little grower.  Anyway, neither of these kids have middle names yet.  We decided on William on our anniversary, and I thought I'd better not push it when we had finally agreed on one thing.  We'll get there.  

I finally have the nursery just about finished, so I'll finally share pictures.  It's no Pinterest nursery, but I'm satisfied with it, considering that it's a very small room, but will still be plenty functional.   I've got to put up a couple of shelves and get a hamper, but thats basically it.  A rug would look nice, but I'm not up to dealing with the dog hair that a rug will collect, so we'll skip it for now.  

What's Your Name, Little Girl?

I wish I could say that today is the day I'm finally going to be able to share names with you, but the truth is that we've only picked one.  I will share that one, but don't all my southern friends and family fire up the monogramming machines yet.  There's a chance her name just won't fit her once we see her despite how much I want it to.  Yes, I said "her."  Chunk doesn't have a name yet.  I'm trying.  I really am.  Take it up with Mr. I Hate All the Names That Aren't John.  Anyway, the name we've picked is Pearl.  Now I'm going to tell you where that came from.

When I was pregnant the first time (3 years ago this month), we had discussed Pearl as a girl's name, although we didn't have much time to get attached to it before that baby was gone.  About a month after we said goodbye to that baby, I was in full hermit mode crying and wishing we'd have known whether that baby was a boy or girl so that maybe it would bring me some closure.  At that moment, my sweet neighbor stopped by with some kind words and a gift from her and two other neighbor friends who knew about our struggle and our loss.  The gift was a beautiful necklace with three charms: an angel wing, the word "loved", and a pearl.  They didn't know we had talked about using that name.  That day brought me the first moment of peace and calm I really had since losing that baby.  I always associated that baby with the name Pearl, but I never felt comfortable "giving" her that name.  When we found out one of our twins is a girl, we didn't discuss using Pearl for her (although I pushed for Ruby since I like it, too, and it would be kind of like a little tribute in my mind), but after lots of disagreeing, I brought it back up for consideration.  I'd come across something about oysters, and I thought about how we get pearls.  They're created by friction, it takes a good bit of time, and they aren't that easy to obtain, but it's obviously worth the trouble.  I feel like that is fitting for this baby we've been working on for so long.  Maybe that first baby was just letting me know she was a "she".  Maybe that baby was sending us a sign of hope for us to eventually have our Pearl.  Maybe it was just a coincidence, but it brought me peace, and the name has since held meaning for me.  I really hope it fits her once she's here.

Other than picking one name out of four, there's not much to report.  I'm huge, my fingers hurt, heartburn apparently caught wind that I hadn't been hit yet and was swift to jump in and fix that, and I'm snoring and drooling in my sleep more than my dogs.  Super glamorous.  But who cares?   I've got just over a month left, and while I'm terrified, I can't wait to meet these crazy kids.  At today's growth scan, Pearl was not into it and repeatedly pushed back at the ultrasound wand and shook her head "no" as they tried to get a measurement.  They estimate that she weighs about 4lbs 4oz. Chunk was more laid back, although he probably didn't love having his space invaded by his sister's flailing arms.  They estimated that he's about 4lbs 7oz.  Not so chunky compared to her now, but the doctor was still happy with the growth for them both.  I wish I had nursery pictures to share, but I'm not quite there yet.  I mean, you got a name, though, so that's progress.

*Edited to add my cravings since I didn't mention those earlier,  and I think it's fun to go back and see them.

Cravings:  Sparkling red grape juice, grapefruit juice,  orange juice,  milk,  falafel wraps, pears.

Expectations

There are a lot of things I expected during pregnancy and a lot I didn't expect.  I expected to feel like it's totally surreal.  I expected to be big and hungry and tired.  Here's something I didn't expect: twins.  I guess I should have, because others apparently did.  Not long before we conceived our first baby, I was talking to my grandma, and she told me that she'd seen a girl in the park that looked just like me, and she was pushing twins in a stroller.  She said she felt it was a sign I'd have twins.  I laughed but mentally dismissed the possibility.  If I couldn't manage to get pregnant, I definitely wasn't going to end up with twins!  Matt's aunt said she saw us having twins.  Years passed and I felt like maybe the twins she invisioned were really just two separate babies that would never make it to earth.  Before we conceived the second time, I was started on Letrozole, which is used off label for ovulation stimulation.  I ovulate like clockwork, so it was just something to try in case the eggs weren't mature at ovulation.  Letrozole is typically meant to make one quality egg rather than two or more.  Because of this, the "risk" of conceiving twins with Letrozole is about 3.4% (according to one study).  We did 3 cycles of Letrozole, and those cycles didn't work.  Later, when I was not on any medications, I had an ultrasound that showed I'd ovulated from both ovaries.  My doctor was pretty surprised and commented that we may conceive twins that month.  Instead, no babies were conceived at all.  No huge surprise there.  When people would say things like, "maybe you'll have twins," I'd tell them that I'd rather not.  Carrying one baby was scary enough.  Twin pregnancies come with more risks, and I didn't want extra risks.  On the cycle we conceived, I went for my follicle scan, and the doctor saw two mature follicles and told me that meant a 7-10% chance of twins.  After I realized he didn't say "72%" (he has a thick accent), I just said "ok" and was on my way without much of a second thought.    On the day of our IUI, he told us again that the chance was 7-10%.  Meh.  Whatever, doc. We knew we'd be lucky if even one stuck.  Well, here we are.   Expecting our twins in less than 2 months.  I wonder if it will ever sink in.  It's strange to feel like this was a hard fought battle, and the result was that we got even more than we thought we were fighting for.  In a good way, of course.

I have to be honest that I didn't expect to make it to this point.  I mean, I've definitely gotten more confident with each passing week, but it's been a mental struggle to prepare things, because I guess I'm still afraid on some level that this isn't going to happen.  I have avoided taking tags off of things or opening things until it's down to the wire, and I really need to have some clothes ready for them and a diaper bag at least partially stocked.  So each week, I've done a little more.   The nursery still needs finishing touches, but it's functional.  We're getting there.  I am terrified, but I also can't wait.

When Your Body Thinks It's 10 Weeks Ahead

Today marks 30 weeks!  My brain hasn't caught on, but my body knows what's up.  The swelling has returned, although it's not nearly as bad as it was in Mississippi.  Considering my belly was measuring 40 weeks at my appointment yesterday, my doctor wasn't that surprised that I'm having some swelling.  Unfortunately, at my appointment with the perinatologist last week, my blood pressure was high, and although they rechecked it after my ultrasound and found it to be normal that time, my OB has basically put me on pre eclampsia watch.  She isn't majorly concerned, since my blood pressure has been great every other time, and there's no protein in my urine, but I did some blood tests to have kind of a baseline so that if I have another high reading, we can redo the blood tests and see if I'm developing an issue.  Better to be cautious, I suppose.

Some interesting new developments are that I will soon not fit behind the wheel of our Maxima, my brain is getting so bad that I heard the Keurig finish my drink and I opened the dishwasher as if I would find it in there, and it took me almost 10 minutes to put on tennis shoes today.  Strangers now feel comfortable commenting on "the baby".  I guess it's good that I look pregnant and not like I just ate a village and walk with a natural waddle.

At our growth scan last week, baby boy (who I've started referring to as "Chunk") was measuring about 2lbs and 15oz.  Little girl (who has a first name that we aren't planning to share until we've decided on a boy's name as well) was measuring about 2lb 8oz.  They were both head down and facing my back, and they were not cooperative, so we got no pictures of their faces or profiles.  Also, my OB warned me that because Chunk is weighing about 15% more than Little Lady and would be the second one out in a vaginal birth, there is a higher risk of him going into distress in a vaginal delivery if that weight trend continues.  Honestly, I was planning on having a c section anyway due to my desire to just get the babies out safely and quickly and because only certain doctors in the practice are comfortable trying to turn him if he turns once he has a whole uterus to himself (which twins often do).   My OB is very pro vaginal delivery, and continues to give me the option of trying that way, but my gut says to go with the C section and try to keep things as chaos free as possible.  I honestly don't care one bit how they get here.  Just that they do and that I don't do anything that would put additional stress on them during delivery.  So, anyone thinking about lecturing me about the benefits of vaginal delivery, please save it.  I have plenty of hard choices ahead of me, and I've made this one and am comfortable with it.  

I've been very slowly getting the nursery organized the last few weeks, and I hope to have it decorated and organized in the next week or two.  I'll share pictures once I've got it all put together.  I want to also put some of the things together (like the Momaroo and mobiles) and turn them on from time to time so the dogs can get used to the noises and lights and things.  I'm getting a little nervous about how they're going to adjust.  Hopefully they will one way or another.   They've managed to adjust to moving all the time, so maybe two additional humans in the house won't bother them too much.  

 I haven't done this in a while, so here goes! 

30 weeks:

Symptoms - hip and back pain, swelling in hands and feet, sooo much sleeping, lots of dreams (and all of them totally weird)

Cravings- Juice, Nutella hot chocolate 

Food aversions - None (other than stuff I never like). 

Fun fact - Much to my surprise, my skin loves the second and third trimesters.   Can it please stay this way forever?  

27 Week Update

Good news!  The downstairs reconstruction is all finished, and the nursery is painted!  FINALLY!  Even better than that is that the babies had their fetal echocardiograms, and everything looks normal.  What a relief!  They were not exactly cooperative for the first attempt, and the doctor wasn't able to see everything she wanted to, so they had me come back 2 weeks later to try again, and this time, they got what they needed to determine that everything looks ok.  We had been a tiny bit concerned about their weight differences at the anatomy scan, and at the first attempt at the fetal echo, they were both growing as they should.  One was 1lb8oz and the other was 1lb11oz.   I was so focused on the growth, I didn't pay attention to who weighs what.   We'll see at the growth scan in another week and a half.  Pretty much everything is going well with this pregnancy right now except that these babies are greedy and sucking up more vitamins than I can keep up with, which we're trying to remedy with extra pills and B12 injections.  I was a little bummed to be back to injecting myself, as there is a little part of me that associates injections with the "wishing and waiting" period I was in for so long, but it really is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, and I'll happily do what needs to be done so that I have plenty of vitamins for these babies to steal.

Here are some pictures from the fetal echo.

Baby Girl

Baby Boy

A creepy face shot of our little boy, but he's waving :)

I can't believe that I'm only a week away from the third trimester.  I know I've said it a million times, but it's so hard to believe.  It's hard to believe I'm pregnant.  It's hard to believe we've made it this far.  It's hard to believe these are OUR babies.  It just seems like a dream sometimes.  It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and the constant back and hip pain remind me that it's really and truly happening, but it's hard to even connect that discomfort with the cause, because it just doesn't seem real.  I think it's still a crazy concept to Matt, too.  Yesterday, the painters were here, and Matt and I were standing in the kitchen talking about the upcoming hospital tour and how I'm going to kill him if he doesn't suggest some boy names or stop vetoing mine, and he just started laughing and said, "What are we going to do with two babies?"  Every once in a while, it sinks in for one of us, and we both kind of freak out that we don't know what we're doing and have a good laugh about how crazy this whole thing seems.  Honestly, though, no one really knows if they are going to "get it" or not.   I've seen plenty of people who think they know exactly what they're doing end up totally lost and others who don't have a nurturing bone in their bodies end up being totally on top of this parenting thing.  We have plenty of practice with cleaning up drool and wiping butts and wrinkles and noses, thanks to Stig and Orion, so I think we'll have that part covered.  All I know is the chaos and the sleeplessness and the adjustments will all be better than the years of infertility and miscarriages.  That's not to say it won't be hard.  The difference is this kind of hard comes with a reward.  The reward all those tears and shots and dr.'s visits and heart wrenching moments were all for.  I hope I never forget how lucky we are.   I hope every painful moment of the 4 years it took us to get to this point will serve as a reminder of how much we have to be grateful for and that we won't take it for granted.

You Can Call Me Major Weight Gain

Yesterday was officially 23 weeks, and I had another OB appointment.  The appointment didn't start out great, since I've apparently gained so much weight that the nurse was in disbelief and reweighed me.  She didn't say that, but I could see the surprise on her face when she went to put in the number on the computer and then realized what my starting weight was.  She asked me how many weeks I have left, and I said, "A lot.  I am 23 weeks with twins, so no more than 15."  She seemed less shocked by my weight after that, but my blood pressure didn't recover from the shock quite as quickly.  It wasn't terrible, though.  The doctor didn't express concern about either, luckily.   I asked her about my swelling, since it has started up again as the temps went up this week and I also had company and was outside and on my feet a lot more than normal.  She wasn't super concerned, since elevating my feet tends to relieve it and they were fine when I went in, but she gave me a list of symptoms I should call about right away should they show up.  She also said that it isn't uncommon to see swelling much earlier with twin pregnancies.  Then she measured my fundal height (basically, uterus size), and I was measuring 30 weeks, which she said made the swelling even less surprising.

I have my glucose tolerance test coming up, which I was dreading, because I've had it done at least 4 times before, with two of those times being 3+ hours.   I tend to pass out or become too faint to stand at that point,  since I have reactive hypoglycemia.  No fun at all, and I just don't think that could be good for the babies, either.  I discussed my concerns with her at the last appointment, so at this appointment, she got in touch with the perinatologist and asked if she'd be ok with me doing a regular meal instead of the drink and then testing after an hour as usual.  Since I don't tend to just chug 50g of straight glucose in my every day life, this makes much more sense to me.  The perinatologist was on board, and I am so relieved.  That drink is the devil.

My next appointment will be the fetal echocardiograms with the perinatologist.  I am a little nervous about it, but this is one test I am ok with having them run, since I do want to be prepared if we're going to have a baby that needs surgery right away or something.  I refuse to think about preparing for any outcomes that can't be fixed.  I'm obviously really hoping that we won't have anything to worry about at all, though.

I know 24 weeks isn't a magic number, but I'm feeling relieved to be less than a week away from viability.  I don't know if I'll ever really believe that we are going to be parents to these two babies on earth, but I feel like the closer I get to 24 weeks, the more it seems like a real possibility.  Things have progressed so quickly the last few weeks, and that has helped make it seem more real, too.  I went from not being sure what I was feeling one week, to feeling movement every day the next week, and now only two weeks after that, I'm feeling them and seeing them move from the outside.  It's so weird.  But also a cool reminder that they are alive in there.  I spent the first 18 weeks using my doppler every single week, so scared that we'd lose one or both.  Not because there was any logical concern with this pregnancy, but because it's all I've experienced.  It's so incredibly strange and wonderful every time I see them wiggling on an ultrasound or see my belly move or feel a little hand or foot or elbow jab me.  Soon, it will probably feel like I ate live acrobats, but for now, I am really enjoying it.

Scans, Showers, and Swelling

The past few weeks have gone by so fast!  I have so many updates, and fortunately, most of them are good. First, we had our anatomy scan earlier this month, and everything looked normal.  I was so incredibly relieved.  It also confirmed that we have one little boy and one little girl in there!  I still struggle to believe that these are our babies.  On the way home from that appointment, I told Matt that every time we have an ultrasound, it feels like I'm looking at someone else's babies.  It's just so hard to believe.  He said that seeing them on the anatomy scan was the first time he really thought of them as people.  Our children.   I've started to feel movement multiple times a day, which is reassuring and pretty cool.  I'd felt movement a week or two before the anatomy scan, but I wasn't sure I was actually feeling babies.  It felt like fish flopping around in my belly, so I didn't know what else it would be, but I guess it seemed unreal that I'd actually be feeling them move.

Here are a few pictures from the scan!

Baby B (boy)

Baby A (girl)

We left the day after our anatomy scan to head home to Mississippi for a visit and two baby showers that were thrown for us.  I know it's early for baby showers, but we knew I wouldn't be able to travel for much longer, and our sweet families were excited to throw them for us anyway.  I'm glad we didn't wait!  It was not a very comfortable ride, but it was so worth it to see our families and friends for a couple of weeks before we buckle down and start working on getting the nursery ready.  One unpleasant and unexpected surprise on our trip was that I had major foot and ankle swelling.  I hadn't had that problem until we got to Mississippi, and it made me a little nervous, but I felt find otherwise, and my blood pressure was normal.  So much for wearing my cute little sandals, though!  Now that we're back at our house, my feet are back to normal.  We had a lot of fun despite the swelling, though.  Our showers were so awesome, and I can't believe how lucky we were to have so many people helping with it all and sharing it with us.

Shower #1

                               

Shower #2

Spending our last night at dinner with this beautiful view.

The baby kicks and rolls and punches have become stronger, and Matt got to feel them for the first time.  He said it felt like goldfish in a bag.  Haha!   It's still somewhat subtle, but it's picking up!  I'm starting to feel the nesting phase coming on, which is great, but a tad late for me.  I think a lot of people with singletons feel good at this point in their pregnancies, but I started vomiting and dry heaving again this past week, and my back pain is nothing to mess with.  So, I do a little at a time and feel like I'm not making a dent in anything.  Hopefully once our downstairs is all put back together and we can clear out the room that will become the nursery, it won't feel so overwhelming.

Last week with my swollen legs/feet and looking sweaty and tired at 21 weeks.

And an update for my last post:  I was wondering how my uterus was measuring.  At 18w4d, it was measuring 24.5 weeks.  OB says that's normal, and now I don't feel so bad for being so big.

Pains, Poorness, and Pushy People

I'm 18 weeks today, which is very possibly the halfway mark, since average delivery for a twin pregnancy is at 35-36 weeks.  It appears I might be approaching another "growth spurt", since I've had major round ligament pain this week, and I had another wave of nausea and vomiting last week followed by a few days of being ridiculously hungry.  Sometimes when I think about how much I can eat these days, it scares me a little.  It reminds me of when I went through a growth spurt in elementary school and could eat 2,000 calorie snacks.  I feel like I spend 80% of my day eating.  I'm not sure at this point how much of my belly is fat and how much is all the baby related stuff.  I know it's grown like crazy, though.  This round ligament pain is no joke!  I didn't know to expect it to last so long or feel so much different from what I've felt so far, and I actually called the doctor to see if I should be concerned.  I'll be interested to see what my uterus is measuring at my appointment on Monday.  I think if it weren't for my cavernous belly button/fat, I'd look about 25 weeks or more.  Instead, I just look like I ate an entire McDonalds.  Oh well.

This coming week is going to be super busy, and I'm anxious about the anatomy scan, but nothing to do but wait and stay in the present.  I need a break from all the worrying and stressing I've done this month.  We'd been talking about getting a new car, since our bigger vehicle has lots of miles and has seen better days.  Then, of course, our basement flooded for the second time due to a sewage backup, and we ended up dealing with that and spending what could have been a decent down payment on fixing plumbing that was installed incorrectly by a company who has fallen off the earth.  Our "basement" is actually over 1,000 feet and houses our guest room, a full bath, and our living room, and it is currently stripped.  Like drywall cut out, flooring ripped up, toilet detached, no sink, etc.  I keep telling myself we have lots of time for this to be finished before the babies get here, but my real worry is that we planned to turn my craft room into the nursery and move the craft room to an extra room downstairs, but all our living room furniture is currently taking up that space.  Anyway, things could be worse, and at least this is all happening before we have two newborns.  I'm just getting really antsy, since I know by the time it's all finished, I'm probably going to be beyond the point of being able to help much with the nursery.

On another note, I've noticed something interesting.  I will never stop getting unsolicited advice no matter what the situation.  I am so used to getting senseless advice about our infertility that I guess it surprised me to be getting it now for pregnancy and parenting.  People want to comment on what I registered for, lecture me about the benefits of breastfeeding and vaginal delivery (really??  I never heard these things before!), tell me how I'll end up cosleeping no matter what because it's easier, etc.  I can tell I'm going to enjoy that as much as I did all the "just stop trying and it will happen" remarks.  I sure do wish there wasn't so much judgement among moms, but such is life.  I'll do what works for me, and I'll ignore the critiques.  I'm pretty sure my babies won't be totally stupid full of hate for me if I end up with a c-section or give them a bottle.

18 weeks: 
Symptoms:  SERIOUS round ligament pain, hip pain, lower back stiffness, always hot, crazy dreams
Food aversions:  Depends on the day, but no major ones anymore
Cravings:   Watermelon, Rita's Italian Ice, veggie sandwiches, chocolate almond milk, yogurt

Here's What's New

So, here I am in the second trimester, and it feels crazy.  I still think of the day I got my third beta result and just cried all day thinking it was over, but here I am at 15 weeks and 3 days with two babies who seem to be doing just fine.  It blows my mind.  Because I hadn't had an ultrasound for a while, I started to freak out a little, and doubt crept in.  My husband was out of the country without his phone for a little over 3 weeks, and that didn't help my anxiety at all, either.  So, I got very good with the Doppler, which helped some.  I did still have my moments of crazy where I'd think, "What if I'm finding the same heartbeat from different places and one is really dead?"  Yes, I have those morbid thoughts.  I do my best to stay calm, but when your first baby is discovered to have passed away after being very much alive two days before, it's hard to get past the fear of it happening again.  Yes, I'm beyond the point that tmiscarriage is most likely to happen, but I don't get to be naive anymore.  I've seen so many later losses that I can't live in denial.  That's not to say that I live in fear either.  I just have moments of fear, and that's ok.  I'm pretty sure that is what life is like as a parent.  If you don't worry about your kids, please call me and explain to me how you've accomplished this.
   
Since my last post, I've switched OBs.  I think I'm going to feel more secure with this one, and she'll have me seeing a high risk OB (MFM)  as well.  The previous OB was nice enough, but I am pretty sure she was far more confident in my ability to carry two babies than I am.  Her plan included treating me as a low risk singleton pregnancy plus a few extra cervical checks, and I'm not so comfortable with that.  If I'd had a normal pregnancy prior to this, that might change things, but I haven't.  When she told me I could travel until I'm 36 weeks, that was the nail in the coffin.  I'm not trying to deliver babies on a plane or in a car.  If she isn't concerned about that, I dont think I could trust her treatment plan or judgement.  The new OB said my uterus is measuring 20 weeks, so I don't feel quite as bad about looking giant, and she said that's normal for a twin pregnancy.  Hooray!  It feels good to be having a "normal" pregnancy!

Since we asked the new OBs office about an ultrasound, and they weren't planning to do one since they're sending me to the MFM for one, we scheduled one at a private place so we could find out genders.   Matt got home the day before, and was pretty surprised by how my bump has blown up.  I think that made it more real for him.  The place we went to guarantees they can confirm gender by 13 weeks, which seems so early!   Ours was at 15 weeks exactly, and both babies measured 15w6d.  They determined right away that one baby is a girl.  I'd be over the moon no matter what, but a little part of me has been hoping for one of each, because I would like to have one of each eventually, and we don't have the luxury of feeling confident we can have more children after this.  So, after lots of messing with us, the second baby finally gave us a decent view, and they determined that one is a boy.  We couldn't believe it!  Really, though, just seeing them again and seeing them move and stretch was so incredible and reassuring.  There were definitely a few tears shed by me.  We went to celebrate after with lunch at this southern place, and it was just the perfect day!  Anatomy scan is scheduled for Aug 12, and then we will be headed home to visit family before I'm too big to fit in a car.


15 weeks:
Cravings: Veggie wraps, salads, watermelon, chocolate coconut milk
Food aversions:  Pretty much everything else
Symptoms:  Getting worn out easily, hip pain, still congested, peeing frequently, nausea, crazy dreams/nightmares, round ligament pain

Thank You

Just now, as I was driving a few towns over to pick up the ONLY thing that sounded good for dinner, I was feeling a little frustrated with being so hungry but having so many food aversions and so much nausea.  Then I realized that is a wonderful problem to have, and it's all a part of what I've waited all these years for.  I don't have to love every symptom, but I have a lot more to be thankful for than I have to complain about.  It got me thinking about how lucky I am for the people in my life that have saved my sanity during the time we've been dealing with infertility and miscarriages.  So, at the risk of this sounding like an award acceptance speech, I really need to express my gratitude.
   
To those who listened as I expressed worry about it taking so long to conceive, those who asked about our doctors appointments and let me talk it through,  those who let me cry over pregnancy announcements and understood that it was only about my concern that it wasn't a possibility for me and not because I'm a bitter hag, thank you for giving me the courage to seek answers and speak out about what I was going through without judgement.  

To those who celebrated every small victory with me, those who didn't dismiss my sadness or invalidate my feelings, to my husband who has seen me crying on the floor like a toddler, thank you for making me to feel loved during a time when I felt broken and flawed.

To those who supported me through our miscarriages by visiting, keeping me stocked with Kleenex and movies, calling, sending sweet messages and gifts to honor my babies, and sharing your own stories of loss with me, thank you for helping me to grieve the way I needed to.

To those who came to my rescue when I was asked for the 1,000th time whether I was going to have children, those who came to doctors appointments, those who gave me injections I was afraid to give myself, those who walked with me at and contributed to the Walk of Hope for infertility, and those who understood when I couldn't bring myself to join the conversation about babies or go shopping with them for baby things, thank you so much for helping to preserve my sanity and allowing me to guard my heart so that it could start to heal.

Finally, to those who have taught me so much, have walked the same path, and who started out as strangers in an infertility community and became incredible friends, thank you for making me feel normal and for understanding me better than anyone who hasn't been here could.

We have a long way to go in this pregnancy, and I don't believe there is such a thing as "out of the woods" when it comes to pregnancy and then parenthood, but I know I have some pretty awesome people in my life that have shown me more support than I could ever have imagined.  I feel pretty lucky.

The Nausea Has Won

First, can I just say that I can't believe I'm still posting here?  It still seems unreal, and it's still scary, but thanks to a little check in via doppler, I got to hear both little heartbeats this past week, and that gives me some relief.  I have my second OB appointment this coming week, and I'm nervous, but feeling better since I heard those baby hearts beating so fast.

A new thing that has started this week is gagging and puking.  I thought I might get by without these common pregnancy problems, since the nausea was already pretty bad, and I'd managed not to puke by 11 weeks, but at 11 weeks and 1 day, the nausea won, and the vomiting began.  Yesterday, I couldn't stand the thought of eating anything but fruit, though I managed to choke down a handful of cashews and a small bowl of soup.  When I finally pushed myself to eat some protein, that was too much.  So, that meal and my prenatals were wasted.  My doctor prescribed me Zofran and Reglan, but I was scared to take the Reglan at all, because I've read so many scary things, and my mom said they stopped giving it in the O.R. because people were freaking out and having muscle spasms.  The Zofran I have mixed feelings about since it's had all this bad press lately, but everyone I personally have known who has taken it has had healthy babies, so I'm not terrified of it.  After tossing my cookies last night and just wanting to get some sleep and not puke anymore, I decided to take it, and it did help.  I've heard Diclegis is good, but my insurance won't cover it without all this dumb paperwork and authorizations, so I've been using Unisom (I already take B6), which is one of the two main ingredients, and it helps some but also totally knocks me out.  So my options are sleep and not throw up or get things done and puke and not eat anything but fruit.  I wish I could tough it out and not take anything, but the intense hunger is hard to deal with when I can only stomach fruit, and these babies need some nutrients.   I guess it's good I started off being able to eat just about everything and gained some weight right off the bat.  Maybe these babies can live off my fat until the nausea passes.  My mom and mother in law are visiting this coming week, and they're bringing me two of my favorite foods from home, so I BETTER be able to eat them!

11w3d
Symptoms:  Nausea, vomiting, nasal congestion, slightly sore boobs (mostly only at night), acne, food aversions, hip pain at night
Cravings:  No real cravings.  I pretty much hate everything.
Food aversions:  Everything but fruit.  I can sometimes handle vegetable soup or cashews.

Guess not, Unisom.

Just joking about the Unisom.  It didn't work the second time around, and I'm back to wanting to throw up all day.  Oh well.  I'm feeling like crap for a great cause.  All I want to eat is food from MS that they don't have here.  Looks like it's going to be applesauce instead.

Grow, Babies! Grow, Babies! Grow!

 Today is 10w1d, and the first day I haven't thought I was going to throw up even once (thank you, Unisom, my new friend).  It is also the day I made the transition to my fat clothes.  You know the clothes you're supposed to get rid of when you lose some weight?  Well, I didn't get rid of all of them, and now I'm glad.  It's a good thing I am a procrastinator with boxes full of clothes to get rid of.  I just dug some fat pants out, and now I don't have to feel like I'm going to blow the buttons off my shorts.

We had our ultrasound at the radiology clinic a week ago to determine whether the babies share a placenta (the tech couldn't tell us, and I sure as hell can't tell where their placentas are), and everything looked good.  I almost had a breakdown, because Matt wasn't there yet when they called me back, and I didn't want to go without him, but for some reason, pregnancy makes me LESS emotional (at least the first trimester), so I didn't cry and embarrass myself.  It was my first abdominal ultrasound, so I was scared I didn't drink enough or that she wouldn't be able to see the babies or something, but everything was fine.  The tech was also really sweet, and I told her I was internally freaking out, so she was thorough and let me know each measurement she took and even pointed out to me that Baby A was wiggling!  So cool!  They measured 9w3d and 9w0d and had heart rates of 178 and 181, so I'm pleased with that and was able to calm down just a little and stop expecting the worst.  Matt got there while she was measuring Baby B, so he missed the wiggles, but hopefully he'll feel the wiggles one of these days.

I got a fetal doppler and have practiced with it, since I"ve heard that you will hear your own arteries, the placenta, and all kinds of stomach growls and stuff.  I wanted to know what I WASN'T listening for.  So at 9w5d, I tried it out, and I found both their little heartbeats!!  It was awesome!  Hooray for things I can do at home to keep tabs on these little babes like a typical worrier!  I'm limiting myself to once a week so that I don't go crazy with it, but now that weekly ultrasounds aren't going to be happening, the once a week thing should be plenty.  (And I already know that it's possible to hear them one day and not the next before someone tries to protect me from a potential freak out.)

We didn't get great pictures of Baby A (who is really Baby B according to the transvaginal ultrasounds, I think) because of the angle he/she is at, but here are a couple pics from their last photo shoot.

I obviously can't work a webcam without peeking around to make sure I'm doing it right.

Cravings:  Not really cravings, but things that have been sounding edible are tacos, fruit, burgers, and cheese.

Food Aversions:  The same but not as bad.  I've had a little chocolate and have cooked meat. 

Symptoms:  The boob soreness has decreased, but is still there.  It's starting to get uncomfortable to sleep on my back (it feels like my organs are unhappy or something), and I am needing fewer naps.  My hips hurt during the night.  Nasal congestion is still going strong. Feeling fat.