I'm 18 weeks today, which is very possibly the halfway mark, since average delivery for a twin pregnancy is at 35-36 weeks. It appears I might be approaching another "growth spurt", since I've had major round ligament pain this week, and I had another wave of nausea and vomiting last week followed by a few days of being ridiculously hungry. Sometimes when I think about how much I can eat these days, it scares me a little. It reminds me of when I went through a growth spurt in elementary school and could eat 2,000 calorie snacks. I feel like I spend 80% of my day eating. I'm not sure at this point how much of my belly is fat and how much is all the baby related stuff. I know it's grown like crazy, though. This round ligament pain is no joke! I didn't know to expect it to last so long or feel so much different from what I've felt so far, and I actually called the doctor to see if I should be concerned. I'll be interested to see what my uterus is measuring at my appointment on Monday. I think if it weren't for my cavernous belly button/fat, I'd look about 25 weeks or more. Instead, I just look like I ate an entire McDonalds. Oh well.
This coming week is going to be super busy, and I'm anxious about the anatomy scan, but nothing to do but wait and stay in the present. I need a break from all the worrying and stressing I've done this month. We'd been talking about getting a new car, since our bigger vehicle has lots of miles and has seen better days. Then, of course, our basement flooded for the second time due to a sewage backup, and we ended up dealing with that and spending what could have been a decent down payment on fixing plumbing that was installed incorrectly by a company who has fallen off the earth. Our "basement" is actually over 1,000 feet and houses our guest room, a full bath, and our living room, and it is currently stripped. Like drywall cut out, flooring ripped up, toilet detached, no sink, etc. I keep telling myself we have lots of time for this to be finished before the babies get here, but my real worry is that we planned to turn my craft room into the nursery and move the craft room to an extra room downstairs, but all our living room furniture is currently taking up that space. Anyway, things could be worse, and at least this is all happening before we have two newborns. I'm just getting really antsy, since I know by the time it's all finished, I'm probably going to be beyond the point of being able to help much with the nursery.
On another note, I've noticed something interesting. I will never stop getting unsolicited advice no matter what the situation. I am so used to getting senseless advice about our infertility that I guess it surprised me to be getting it now for pregnancy and parenting. People want to comment on what I registered for, lecture me about the benefits of breastfeeding and vaginal delivery (really?? I never heard these things before!), tell me how I'll end up cosleeping no matter what because it's easier, etc. I can tell I'm going to enjoy that as much as I did all the "just stop trying and it will happen" remarks. I sure do wish there wasn't so much judgement among moms, but such is life. I'll do what works for me, and I'll ignore the critiques. I'm pretty sure my babies won't be totally stupid full of hate for me if I end up with a c-section or give them a bottle.
18 weeks:
Symptoms: SERIOUS round ligament pain, hip pain, lower back stiffness, always hot, crazy dreams
Food aversions: Depends on the day, but no major ones anymore
Cravings: Watermelon, Rita's Italian Ice, veggie sandwiches, chocolate almond milk, yogurt
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Here's What's New
So, here I am in the second trimester, and it feels crazy. I still think of the day I got my third beta result and just cried all day thinking it was over, but here I am at 15 weeks and 3 days with two babies who seem to be doing just fine. It blows my mind. Because I hadn't had an ultrasound for a while, I started to freak out a little, and doubt crept in. My husband was out of the country without his phone for a little over 3 weeks, and that didn't help my anxiety at all, either. So, I got very good with the Doppler, which helped some. I did still have my moments of crazy where I'd think, "What if I'm finding the same heartbeat from different places and one is really dead?" Yes, I have those morbid thoughts. I do my best to stay calm, but when your first baby is discovered to have passed away after being very much alive two days before, it's hard to get past the fear of it happening again. Yes, I'm beyond the point that tmiscarriage is most likely to happen, but I don't get to be naive anymore. I've seen so many later losses that I can't live in denial. That's not to say that I live in fear either. I just have moments of fear, and that's ok. I'm pretty sure that is what life is like as a parent. If you don't worry about your kids, please call me and explain to me how you've accomplished this.
Since my last post, I've switched OBs. I think I'm going to feel more secure with this one, and she'll have me seeing a high risk OB (MFM) as well. The previous OB was nice enough, but I am pretty sure she was far more confident in my ability to carry two babies than I am. Her plan included treating me as a low risk singleton pregnancy plus a few extra cervical checks, and I'm not so comfortable with that. If I'd had a normal pregnancy prior to this, that might change things, but I haven't. When she told me I could travel until I'm 36 weeks, that was the nail in the coffin. I'm not trying to deliver babies on a plane or in a car. If she isn't concerned about that, I dont think I could trust her treatment plan or judgement. The new OB said my uterus is measuring 20 weeks, so I don't feel quite as bad about looking giant, and she said that's normal for a twin pregnancy. Hooray! It feels good to be having a "normal" pregnancy!
Since we asked the new OBs office about an ultrasound, and they weren't planning to do one since they're sending me to the MFM for one, we scheduled one at a private place so we could find out genders. Matt got home the day before, and was pretty surprised by how my bump has blown up. I think that made it more real for him. The place we went to guarantees they can confirm gender by 13 weeks, which seems so early! Ours was at 15 weeks exactly, and both babies measured 15w6d. They determined right away that one baby is a girl. I'd be over the moon no matter what, but a little part of me has been hoping for one of each, because I would like to have one of each eventually, and we don't have the luxury of feeling confident we can have more children after this. So, after lots of messing with us, the second baby finally gave us a decent view, and they determined that one is a boy. We couldn't believe it! Really, though, just seeing them again and seeing them move and stretch was so incredible and reassuring. There were definitely a few tears shed by me. We went to celebrate after with lunch at this southern place, and it was just the perfect day! Anatomy scan is scheduled for Aug 12, and then we will be headed home to visit family before I'm too big to fit in a car.
15 weeks:
Cravings: Veggie wraps, salads, watermelon, chocolate coconut milk
Food aversions: Pretty much everything else
Symptoms: Getting worn out easily, hip pain, still congested, peeing frequently, nausea, crazy dreams/nightmares, round ligament pain
Since my last post, I've switched OBs. I think I'm going to feel more secure with this one, and she'll have me seeing a high risk OB (MFM) as well. The previous OB was nice enough, but I am pretty sure she was far more confident in my ability to carry two babies than I am. Her plan included treating me as a low risk singleton pregnancy plus a few extra cervical checks, and I'm not so comfortable with that. If I'd had a normal pregnancy prior to this, that might change things, but I haven't. When she told me I could travel until I'm 36 weeks, that was the nail in the coffin. I'm not trying to deliver babies on a plane or in a car. If she isn't concerned about that, I dont think I could trust her treatment plan or judgement. The new OB said my uterus is measuring 20 weeks, so I don't feel quite as bad about looking giant, and she said that's normal for a twin pregnancy. Hooray! It feels good to be having a "normal" pregnancy!
Since we asked the new OBs office about an ultrasound, and they weren't planning to do one since they're sending me to the MFM for one, we scheduled one at a private place so we could find out genders. Matt got home the day before, and was pretty surprised by how my bump has blown up. I think that made it more real for him. The place we went to guarantees they can confirm gender by 13 weeks, which seems so early! Ours was at 15 weeks exactly, and both babies measured 15w6d. They determined right away that one baby is a girl. I'd be over the moon no matter what, but a little part of me has been hoping for one of each, because I would like to have one of each eventually, and we don't have the luxury of feeling confident we can have more children after this. So, after lots of messing with us, the second baby finally gave us a decent view, and they determined that one is a boy. We couldn't believe it! Really, though, just seeing them again and seeing them move and stretch was so incredible and reassuring. There were definitely a few tears shed by me. We went to celebrate after with lunch at this southern place, and it was just the perfect day! Anatomy scan is scheduled for Aug 12, and then we will be headed home to visit family before I'm too big to fit in a car.
15 weeks:
Cravings: Veggie wraps, salads, watermelon, chocolate coconut milk
Food aversions: Pretty much everything else
Symptoms: Getting worn out easily, hip pain, still congested, peeing frequently, nausea, crazy dreams/nightmares, round ligament pain
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Thank You
Just now, as I was driving a few towns over to pick up the ONLY thing that sounded good for dinner, I was feeling a little frustrated with being so hungry but having so many food aversions and so much nausea. Then I realized that is a wonderful problem to have, and it's all a part of what I've waited all these years for. I don't have to love every symptom, but I have a lot more to be thankful for than I have to complain about. It got me thinking about how lucky I am for the people in my life that have saved my sanity during the time we've been dealing with infertility and miscarriages. So, at the risk of this sounding like an award acceptance speech, I really need to express my gratitude.
To those who listened as I expressed worry about it taking so long to conceive, those who asked about our doctors appointments and let me talk it through, those who let me cry over pregnancy announcements and understood that it was only about my concern that it wasn't a possibility for me and not because I'm a bitter hag, thank you for giving me the courage to seek answers and speak out about what I was going through without judgement.
To those who celebrated every small victory with me, those who didn't dismiss my sadness or invalidate my feelings, to my husband who has seen me crying on the floor like a toddler, thank you for making me to feel loved during a time when I felt broken and flawed.
To those who supported me through our miscarriages by visiting, keeping me stocked with Kleenex and movies, calling, sending sweet messages and gifts to honor my babies, and sharing your own stories of loss with me, thank you for helping me to grieve the way I needed to.
To those who came to my rescue when I was asked for the 1,000th time whether I was going to have children, those who came to doctors appointments, those who gave me injections I was afraid to give myself, those who walked with me at and contributed to the Walk of Hope for infertility, and those who understood when I couldn't bring myself to join the conversation about babies or go shopping with them for baby things, thank you so much for helping to preserve my sanity and allowing me to guard my heart so that it could start to heal.
Finally, to those who have taught me so much, have walked the same path, and who started out as strangers in an infertility community and became incredible friends, thank you for making me feel normal and for understanding me better than anyone who hasn't been here could.
We have a long way to go in this pregnancy, and I don't believe there is such a thing as "out of the woods" when it comes to pregnancy and then parenthood, but I know I have some pretty awesome people in my life that have shown me more support than I could ever have imagined. I feel pretty lucky.
To those who listened as I expressed worry about it taking so long to conceive, those who asked about our doctors appointments and let me talk it through, those who let me cry over pregnancy announcements and understood that it was only about my concern that it wasn't a possibility for me and not because I'm a bitter hag, thank you for giving me the courage to seek answers and speak out about what I was going through without judgement.
To those who celebrated every small victory with me, those who didn't dismiss my sadness or invalidate my feelings, to my husband who has seen me crying on the floor like a toddler, thank you for making me to feel loved during a time when I felt broken and flawed.
To those who supported me through our miscarriages by visiting, keeping me stocked with Kleenex and movies, calling, sending sweet messages and gifts to honor my babies, and sharing your own stories of loss with me, thank you for helping me to grieve the way I needed to.
To those who came to my rescue when I was asked for the 1,000th time whether I was going to have children, those who came to doctors appointments, those who gave me injections I was afraid to give myself, those who walked with me at and contributed to the Walk of Hope for infertility, and those who understood when I couldn't bring myself to join the conversation about babies or go shopping with them for baby things, thank you so much for helping to preserve my sanity and allowing me to guard my heart so that it could start to heal.
Finally, to those who have taught me so much, have walked the same path, and who started out as strangers in an infertility community and became incredible friends, thank you for making me feel normal and for understanding me better than anyone who hasn't been here could.
We have a long way to go in this pregnancy, and I don't believe there is such a thing as "out of the woods" when it comes to pregnancy and then parenthood, but I know I have some pretty awesome people in my life that have shown me more support than I could ever have imagined. I feel pretty lucky.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
The Nausea Has Won
First, can I just say that I can't believe I'm still posting here? It still seems unreal, and it's still scary, but thanks to a little check in via doppler, I got to hear both little heartbeats this past week, and that gives me some relief. I have my second OB appointment this coming week, and I'm nervous, but feeling better since I heard those baby hearts beating so fast.
A new thing that has started this week is gagging and puking. I thought I might get by without these common pregnancy problems, since the nausea was already pretty bad, and I'd managed not to puke by 11 weeks, but at 11 weeks and 1 day, the nausea won, and the vomiting began. Yesterday, I couldn't stand the thought of eating anything but fruit, though I managed to choke down a handful of cashews and a small bowl of soup. When I finally pushed myself to eat some protein, that was too much. So, that meal and my prenatals were wasted. My doctor prescribed me Zofran and Reglan, but I was scared to take the Reglan at all, because I've read so many scary things, and my mom said they stopped giving it in the O.R. because people were freaking out and having muscle spasms. The Zofran I have mixed feelings about since it's had all this bad press lately, but everyone I personally have known who has taken it has had healthy babies, so I'm not terrified of it. After tossing my cookies last night and just wanting to get some sleep and not puke anymore, I decided to take it, and it did help. I've heard Diclegis is good, but my insurance won't cover it without all this dumb paperwork and authorizations, so I've been using Unisom (I already take B6), which is one of the two main ingredients, and it helps some but also totally knocks me out. So my options are sleep and not throw up or get things done and puke and not eat anything but fruit. I wish I could tough it out and not take anything, but the intense hunger is hard to deal with when I can only stomach fruit, and these babies need some nutrients. I guess it's good I started off being able to eat just about everything and gained some weight right off the bat. Maybe these babies can live off my fat until the nausea passes. My mom and mother in law are visiting this coming week, and they're bringing me two of my favorite foods from home, so I BETTER be able to eat them!
11w3d
Symptoms: Nausea, vomiting, nasal congestion, slightly sore boobs (mostly only at night), acne, food aversions, hip pain at night
Cravings: No real cravings. I pretty much hate everything.
Food aversions: Everything but fruit. I can sometimes handle vegetable soup or cashews.
A new thing that has started this week is gagging and puking. I thought I might get by without these common pregnancy problems, since the nausea was already pretty bad, and I'd managed not to puke by 11 weeks, but at 11 weeks and 1 day, the nausea won, and the vomiting began. Yesterday, I couldn't stand the thought of eating anything but fruit, though I managed to choke down a handful of cashews and a small bowl of soup. When I finally pushed myself to eat some protein, that was too much. So, that meal and my prenatals were wasted. My doctor prescribed me Zofran and Reglan, but I was scared to take the Reglan at all, because I've read so many scary things, and my mom said they stopped giving it in the O.R. because people were freaking out and having muscle spasms. The Zofran I have mixed feelings about since it's had all this bad press lately, but everyone I personally have known who has taken it has had healthy babies, so I'm not terrified of it. After tossing my cookies last night and just wanting to get some sleep and not puke anymore, I decided to take it, and it did help. I've heard Diclegis is good, but my insurance won't cover it without all this dumb paperwork and authorizations, so I've been using Unisom (I already take B6), which is one of the two main ingredients, and it helps some but also totally knocks me out. So my options are sleep and not throw up or get things done and puke and not eat anything but fruit. I wish I could tough it out and not take anything, but the intense hunger is hard to deal with when I can only stomach fruit, and these babies need some nutrients. I guess it's good I started off being able to eat just about everything and gained some weight right off the bat. Maybe these babies can live off my fat until the nausea passes. My mom and mother in law are visiting this coming week, and they're bringing me two of my favorite foods from home, so I BETTER be able to eat them!
11w3d
Symptoms: Nausea, vomiting, nasal congestion, slightly sore boobs (mostly only at night), acne, food aversions, hip pain at night
Cravings: No real cravings. I pretty much hate everything.
Food aversions: Everything but fruit. I can sometimes handle vegetable soup or cashews.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Guess not, Unisom.
Just joking about the Unisom. It didn't work the second time around, and I'm back to wanting to throw up all day. Oh well. I'm feeling like crap for a great cause. All I want to eat is food from MS that they don't have here. Looks like it's going to be applesauce instead.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Grow, Babies! Grow, Babies! Grow!
Today is 10w1d, and the first day I haven't thought I was going to throw up even once (thank you, Unisom, my new friend). It is also the day I made the transition to my fat clothes. You know the clothes you're supposed to get rid of when you lose some weight? Well, I didn't get rid of all of them, and now I'm glad. It's a good thing I am a procrastinator with boxes full of clothes to get rid of. I just dug some fat pants out, and now I don't have to feel like I'm going to blow the buttons off my shorts.
We had our ultrasound at the radiology clinic a week ago to determine whether the babies share a placenta (the tech couldn't tell us, and I sure as hell can't tell where their placentas are), and everything looked good. I almost had a breakdown, because Matt wasn't there yet when they called me back, and I didn't want to go without him, but for some reason, pregnancy makes me LESS emotional (at least the first trimester), so I didn't cry and embarrass myself. It was my first abdominal ultrasound, so I was scared I didn't drink enough or that she wouldn't be able to see the babies or something, but everything was fine. The tech was also really sweet, and I told her I was internally freaking out, so she was thorough and let me know each measurement she took and even pointed out to me that Baby A was wiggling! So cool! They measured 9w3d and 9w0d and had heart rates of 178 and 181, so I'm pleased with that and was able to calm down just a little and stop expecting the worst. Matt got there while she was measuring Baby B, so he missed the wiggles, but hopefully he'll feel the wiggles one of these days.
I got a fetal doppler and have practiced with it, since I"ve heard that you will hear your own arteries, the placenta, and all kinds of stomach growls and stuff. I wanted to know what I WASN'T listening for. So at 9w5d, I tried it out, and I found both their little heartbeats!! It was awesome! Hooray for things I can do at home to keep tabs on these little babes like a typical worrier! I'm limiting myself to once a week so that I don't go crazy with it, but now that weekly ultrasounds aren't going to be happening, the once a week thing should be plenty. (And I already know that it's possible to hear them one day and not the next before someone tries to protect me from a potential freak out.)
We didn't get great pictures of Baby A (who is really Baby B according to the transvaginal ultrasounds, I think) because of the angle he/she is at, but here are a couple pics from their last photo shoot.
We had our ultrasound at the radiology clinic a week ago to determine whether the babies share a placenta (the tech couldn't tell us, and I sure as hell can't tell where their placentas are), and everything looked good. I almost had a breakdown, because Matt wasn't there yet when they called me back, and I didn't want to go without him, but for some reason, pregnancy makes me LESS emotional (at least the first trimester), so I didn't cry and embarrass myself. It was my first abdominal ultrasound, so I was scared I didn't drink enough or that she wouldn't be able to see the babies or something, but everything was fine. The tech was also really sweet, and I told her I was internally freaking out, so she was thorough and let me know each measurement she took and even pointed out to me that Baby A was wiggling! So cool! They measured 9w3d and 9w0d and had heart rates of 178 and 181, so I'm pleased with that and was able to calm down just a little and stop expecting the worst. Matt got there while she was measuring Baby B, so he missed the wiggles, but hopefully he'll feel the wiggles one of these days.
I got a fetal doppler and have practiced with it, since I"ve heard that you will hear your own arteries, the placenta, and all kinds of stomach growls and stuff. I wanted to know what I WASN'T listening for. So at 9w5d, I tried it out, and I found both their little heartbeats!! It was awesome! Hooray for things I can do at home to keep tabs on these little babes like a typical worrier! I'm limiting myself to once a week so that I don't go crazy with it, but now that weekly ultrasounds aren't going to be happening, the once a week thing should be plenty. (And I already know that it's possible to hear them one day and not the next before someone tries to protect me from a potential freak out.)
We didn't get great pictures of Baby A (who is really Baby B according to the transvaginal ultrasounds, I think) because of the angle he/she is at, but here are a couple pics from their last photo shoot.
 |
| I obviously can't work a webcam without peeking around to make sure I'm doing it right. |
Cravings: Not really cravings, but things that have been sounding edible are tacos, fruit, burgers, and cheese.
Food Aversions: The same but not as bad. I've had a little chocolate and have cooked meat.
Symptoms: The boob soreness has decreased, but is still there. It's starting to get uncomfortable to sleep on my back (it feels like my organs are unhappy or something), and I am needing fewer naps. My hips hurt during the night. Nasal congestion is still going strong. Feeling fat.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Never Been Here Before
It's been a heartbreakingly difficult couple of weeks for some of my friends, and I feel guilty for where I am and for even posting something positive. I've had my IUI buddy going through a miscarriage, my sweet friend dealing with the aftermath of a second IVF that ended in her 4th loss, and another dear friend lost her precious twins at 19 weeks. It reminds me of how unfair life can be, but also how quickly our joy can be stolen from us. So, for that reason, I'm sharing a happy update on my pregnancy. Because there are no guarantees, and today, I need to try and celebrate it.
At our ultrasound last week, we got to see our babies again, and I couldn't believe how much they looked like babies. I was so shocked to even see them both there with beating hearts at 7w5d. At our ultrasound at that point with our first baby, you could barely see anything. Hardly any growth from the last time. This time...BAM! Babies! We have another ultrasound this Friday (at 9w1d), and then the weekly ultrasounds are over. It's going to be a strange transition, but what isn't at this point? I hope and pray that this ultrasound Friday will be enough to put my mind at ease until I go back at about 12 weeks. If measurements and heart rates are on target, I'll do my best to chill a little, and we'll probably make it Facebook official the following week. It seems unreal. I hope it is very real and that this story has a happier ending than any of our previous ones.
And since I didn't do this yet...
Symptoms: major nasal congestion, constant nausea (no actual puking at this point, but some close calls!), fatigue, seriously sore boobs, hungry as hell, sore abs, strange feelings in my sides and around my pubic bone.
Food aversions: raw meat, chocolate (crazy, because I usually love chocolate), other sweet stuff.
Cravings: Changes all the time, but the only things I can consistently eat when everything else sounds disgusting are fruits and BabyBel cheeses.
At our ultrasound last week, we got to see our babies again, and I couldn't believe how much they looked like babies. I was so shocked to even see them both there with beating hearts at 7w5d. At our ultrasound at that point with our first baby, you could barely see anything. Hardly any growth from the last time. This time...BAM! Babies! We have another ultrasound this Friday (at 9w1d), and then the weekly ultrasounds are over. It's going to be a strange transition, but what isn't at this point? I hope and pray that this ultrasound Friday will be enough to put my mind at ease until I go back at about 12 weeks. If measurements and heart rates are on target, I'll do my best to chill a little, and we'll probably make it Facebook official the following week. It seems unreal. I hope it is very real and that this story has a happier ending than any of our previous ones.
And since I didn't do this yet...
Symptoms: major nasal congestion, constant nausea (no actual puking at this point, but some close calls!), fatigue, seriously sore boobs, hungry as hell, sore abs, strange feelings in my sides and around my pubic bone.
Food aversions: raw meat, chocolate (crazy, because I usually love chocolate), other sweet stuff.
Cravings: Changes all the time, but the only things I can consistently eat when everything else sounds disgusting are fruits and BabyBel cheeses.
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