The Final Countdown

I'm 37 weeks today!  By some magic, my hips have not yet separated from my body, and my pubic bone hasn't broken, despite what it feels like the past week.  At my appointments last week, we found that the babies had dropped, and I was 60% effaced but not dilated, and that both were still head down.  Anyone who's had a baby knows that doesn't really mean anything, though, so I'm not sure why they even tell you.  Or why I'm sharing that. They had a non stress test, where I had no contractions, and Pearl repeatedly kicked off the monitor.  She's going to be fun.  They also had a biophysical profile to check stuff like amniotic fluid levels, practice breathing, movement, and stuff like that.  They both did great!  Though Pearl made it difficult to get a decent measurement, she was estimated at 6lbs and William at 5lbs11oz.  I'll be interested to see if Pearl really is bigger when we meet them.  If so, I'm impressed!  She started out 20% behind in size, and now she's running the show in there.  Waking up William when she throws her fits, getting in his space, trying to kick through my belly and make her way out.  She's wild.

Yesterday, I had my last appointment with the perinatologist, and we got a little surprise.  William decided to flip around, so now he's breech.  We figure he had enough of being head to head with his sister and both of them being smashed between my hip bones.  I'm impressed that he found the motivation to move so much with so little room.  I think it may explain some real discomfort I had over the weekend, though.  So, while lots of women would be upset by this breech business, I'm ok with that, since it reaffirms my gut feeling to go ahead with a c section.  Plus, I want him to be comfortable.  Now his butt is against his sister's head.  Typical.  The ultrasound tech was nice enough to point out his fat rolls, so I look forward to him living up to his nickname.

Since it was our last appointment there, the perinatologist came to say goodbye and wish me luck.  She commented on how glad she was that my pregnancy had been uncomplicated, and she joked that it was pretty boring.  I am so happy to be boring in this situation!  She asked me about the date for my scheduled c section, and when I told her it's the 23rd, she said we may want to talk to the OB about moving it up a couple of days so I could be home for Christmas.  I told her this was the Christmas gift we'd been waiting for so long that we really didn't care if we were home.  But she went on to say that the largest study done on outcomes of twins born at 37 vs 38 weeks gestation showed that those born at 37 weeks to mothers with no complications are healthier than those born at 38 weeks (due to how the placentas start to deteriorate earlier in twins).  I talked to the OB today, and she said the hospital is booked for c sections Monday and Tuesday, but we could do it tomorrow!  Um, well, that's pretty sudden!  After talking with Matt, we decided to wait.  The babies aren't showing any signs that they need to get out sooner than later, and one study of less than 300 people isn't necessarily the final say in what's "the best thing", so I'm just hoping that we made the right choice for them.  I'm sure I'll be asking myself why I waited over the next 6 days as I hobble around feeling like my body is going to give out and my feet are going to explode.

12/12/12

Today has been bittersweet.  I'm 36w2d, the babies appear healthy, and so far, I've avoided the complications that I worried a lot about from the beginning of this pregnancy.  Those are all incredible, beautiful, wonderful things.  But today, I've been incredibly anxious about going into labor, because on this day three years ago, I was in a totally different place in our journey, leaving the hospital with a hole in my heart.

Three years ago today, I experienced the deepest heartache I ever have.  I went for our 3rd ultrasound for our first baby at 8 weeks and found out that baby had died in the two days since my last appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist we'd been seeing up to that point. I wish I could say that finally having a healthy pregnancy and being so close to having two babies in my arms has undone the pain of that loss, but it will always be there on some level.  I will never forget any detail of that day.  It was traumatic, and it changed my life. Having these babies will probably only make me wonder even more about what that baby would have been like or how the dynamic of our family might have been different.  I don't believe that it "happened for a reason" other than that sometimes nature is flawed and cruel, so that platitude I so often hear doesn't bring me any comfort.  What does bring me comfort is that even though I won't know that baby (or our second) on earth, I will carry them in my heart right along with any living children we have.  They'll never know hurt or fear or loss, and they were so loved. Fortunately, time has brought me peace, and instead of living everyday in the dark place I was in for a while, I'm able to be grateful for the time I did have and for the answers that loss pushed me to seek.   I may cry every year on this day for the rest of my life, but I think that's ok.  On this day three years ago, I said goodbye to our first child, and there's no forgetting that.  Because of that experience, I also won't forget how lucky I am once I finally hold Pearl and William in my arms and get the chance to know all I can about them.

43 Weeks

Ok, so I'll actually be 35 weeks tomorrow, but at my appointment this week, my fundal height was measuring 43 weeks.  So, yeah...my body has hit that point where it's had it.  And we have up to another 3 weeks to go.  If the babies are still growing on track, I should have about 10 pounds of baby in there at this point, as well as a two placentas, two sacs of amniotic fluid, and about twice as much blood in my body as when it isn't pregnant (apparently, you get double the blood volume with twins). So, I'm starting to feel as though I've got one of my dogs strapped to my body, and I'm kind of whiny about it.  Only my flip flops will fit, and it's winter here.  My hands swell so much overnight that it messes with the nerves and joints in my hands, and I can't grip anything until the swelling goes down, which also makes it difficult to push myself up out of bed.  My back and hips feel like they are about to just detach themselves from my body and leave.  Doesn't matter if I'm sitting, standing, or lying down.  They aren't happy.  I'm also the biggest clutz, which doesn't work well when I can't bend over very far or squat very low to pick up all the things I drop.  Yesterday, I knocked all the bottles I'd just washed and sterilized off the counter and onto the floor I haven't mopped in a scary long time.  Today, I tried to open a bag of cranberries, and they exploded and went all over the kitchen.  Stuff like this happens pretty much daily now thanks to my brick hands.  Still, even with all these weird adjustments, this is easier than the emotional pain I was in before we got so lucky as to conceive these two wiggly babies, and I know there's an end and that there are two huge rewards when I get there.

In my last post, I shared our baby girl's name, and now we have agreed on a real name for Chunk.  His name will be William like some of the awesome men in our families, including my dad, Matt's brother, both our grandfathers, and two of our uncles.  It also means "strong willed warrior", which seems appropriate, since I think he was our "surprise" baby that showed up a little later but caught up quickly and has been a great little grower.  Anyway, neither of these kids have middle names yet.  We decided on William on our anniversary, and I thought I'd better not push it when we had finally agreed on one thing.  We'll get there.  

I finally have the nursery just about finished, so I'll finally share pictures.  It's no Pinterest nursery, but I'm satisfied with it, considering that it's a very small room, but will still be plenty functional.   I've got to put up a couple of shelves and get a hamper, but thats basically it.  A rug would look nice, but I'm not up to dealing with the dog hair that a rug will collect, so we'll skip it for now.  

What's Your Name, Little Girl?

I wish I could say that today is the day I'm finally going to be able to share names with you, but the truth is that we've only picked one.  I will share that one, but don't all my southern friends and family fire up the monogramming machines yet.  There's a chance her name just won't fit her once we see her despite how much I want it to.  Yes, I said "her."  Chunk doesn't have a name yet.  I'm trying.  I really am.  Take it up with Mr. I Hate All the Names That Aren't John.  Anyway, the name we've picked is Pearl.  Now I'm going to tell you where that came from.

When I was pregnant the first time (3 years ago this month), we had discussed Pearl as a girl's name, although we didn't have much time to get attached to it before that baby was gone.  About a month after we said goodbye to that baby, I was in full hermit mode crying and wishing we'd have known whether that baby was a boy or girl so that maybe it would bring me some closure.  At that moment, my sweet neighbor stopped by with some kind words and a gift from her and two other neighbor friends who knew about our struggle and our loss.  The gift was a beautiful necklace with three charms: an angel wing, the word "loved", and a pearl.  They didn't know we had talked about using that name.  That day brought me the first moment of peace and calm I really had since losing that baby.  I always associated that baby with the name Pearl, but I never felt comfortable "giving" her that name.  When we found out one of our twins is a girl, we didn't discuss using Pearl for her (although I pushed for Ruby since I like it, too, and it would be kind of like a little tribute in my mind), but after lots of disagreeing, I brought it back up for consideration.  I'd come across something about oysters, and I thought about how we get pearls.  They're created by friction, it takes a good bit of time, and they aren't that easy to obtain, but it's obviously worth the trouble.  I feel like that is fitting for this baby we've been working on for so long.  Maybe that first baby was just letting me know she was a "she".  Maybe that baby was sending us a sign of hope for us to eventually have our Pearl.  Maybe it was just a coincidence, but it brought me peace, and the name has since held meaning for me.  I really hope it fits her once she's here.

Other than picking one name out of four, there's not much to report.  I'm huge, my fingers hurt, heartburn apparently caught wind that I hadn't been hit yet and was swift to jump in and fix that, and I'm snoring and drooling in my sleep more than my dogs.  Super glamorous.  But who cares?   I've got just over a month left, and while I'm terrified, I can't wait to meet these crazy kids.  At today's growth scan, Pearl was not into it and repeatedly pushed back at the ultrasound wand and shook her head "no" as they tried to get a measurement.  They estimate that she weighs about 4lbs 4oz. Chunk was more laid back, although he probably didn't love having his space invaded by his sister's flailing arms.  They estimated that he's about 4lbs 7oz.  Not so chunky compared to her now, but the doctor was still happy with the growth for them both.  I wish I had nursery pictures to share, but I'm not quite there yet.  I mean, you got a name, though, so that's progress.

*Edited to add my cravings since I didn't mention those earlier,  and I think it's fun to go back and see them.

Cravings:  Sparkling red grape juice, grapefruit juice,  orange juice,  milk,  falafel wraps, pears.

Expectations

There are a lot of things I expected during pregnancy and a lot I didn't expect.  I expected to feel like it's totally surreal.  I expected to be big and hungry and tired.  Here's something I didn't expect: twins.  I guess I should have, because others apparently did.  Not long before we conceived our first baby, I was talking to my grandma, and she told me that she'd seen a girl in the park that looked just like me, and she was pushing twins in a stroller.  She said she felt it was a sign I'd have twins.  I laughed but mentally dismissed the possibility.  If I couldn't manage to get pregnant, I definitely wasn't going to end up with twins!  Matt's aunt said she saw us having twins.  Years passed and I felt like maybe the twins she invisioned were really just two separate babies that would never make it to earth.  Before we conceived the second time, I was started on Letrozole, which is used off label for ovulation stimulation.  I ovulate like clockwork, so it was just something to try in case the eggs weren't mature at ovulation.  Letrozole is typically meant to make one quality egg rather than two or more.  Because of this, the "risk" of conceiving twins with Letrozole is about 3.4% (according to one study).  We did 3 cycles of Letrozole, and those cycles didn't work.  Later, when I was not on any medications, I had an ultrasound that showed I'd ovulated from both ovaries.  My doctor was pretty surprised and commented that we may conceive twins that month.  Instead, no babies were conceived at all.  No huge surprise there.  When people would say things like, "maybe you'll have twins," I'd tell them that I'd rather not.  Carrying one baby was scary enough.  Twin pregnancies come with more risks, and I didn't want extra risks.  On the cycle we conceived, I went for my follicle scan, and the doctor saw two mature follicles and told me that meant a 7-10% chance of twins.  After I realized he didn't say "72%" (he has a thick accent), I just said "ok" and was on my way without much of a second thought.    On the day of our IUI, he told us again that the chance was 7-10%.  Meh.  Whatever, doc. We knew we'd be lucky if even one stuck.  Well, here we are.   Expecting our twins in less than 2 months.  I wonder if it will ever sink in.  It's strange to feel like this was a hard fought battle, and the result was that we got even more than we thought we were fighting for.  In a good way, of course.

I have to be honest that I didn't expect to make it to this point.  I mean, I've definitely gotten more confident with each passing week, but it's been a mental struggle to prepare things, because I guess I'm still afraid on some level that this isn't going to happen.  I have avoided taking tags off of things or opening things until it's down to the wire, and I really need to have some clothes ready for them and a diaper bag at least partially stocked.  So each week, I've done a little more.   The nursery still needs finishing touches, but it's functional.  We're getting there.  I am terrified, but I also can't wait.

When Your Body Thinks It's 10 Weeks Ahead

Today marks 30 weeks!  My brain hasn't caught on, but my body knows what's up.  The swelling has returned, although it's not nearly as bad as it was in Mississippi.  Considering my belly was measuring 40 weeks at my appointment yesterday, my doctor wasn't that surprised that I'm having some swelling.  Unfortunately, at my appointment with the perinatologist last week, my blood pressure was high, and although they rechecked it after my ultrasound and found it to be normal that time, my OB has basically put me on pre eclampsia watch.  She isn't majorly concerned, since my blood pressure has been great every other time, and there's no protein in my urine, but I did some blood tests to have kind of a baseline so that if I have another high reading, we can redo the blood tests and see if I'm developing an issue.  Better to be cautious, I suppose.

Some interesting new developments are that I will soon not fit behind the wheel of our Maxima, my brain is getting so bad that I heard the Keurig finish my drink and I opened the dishwasher as if I would find it in there, and it took me almost 10 minutes to put on tennis shoes today.  Strangers now feel comfortable commenting on "the baby".  I guess it's good that I look pregnant and not like I just ate a village and walk with a natural waddle.

At our growth scan last week, baby boy (who I've started referring to as "Chunk") was measuring about 2lbs and 15oz.  Little girl (who has a first name that we aren't planning to share until we've decided on a boy's name as well) was measuring about 2lb 8oz.  They were both head down and facing my back, and they were not cooperative, so we got no pictures of their faces or profiles.  Also, my OB warned me that because Chunk is weighing about 15% more than Little Lady and would be the second one out in a vaginal birth, there is a higher risk of him going into distress in a vaginal delivery if that weight trend continues.  Honestly, I was planning on having a c section anyway due to my desire to just get the babies out safely and quickly and because only certain doctors in the practice are comfortable trying to turn him if he turns once he has a whole uterus to himself (which twins often do).   My OB is very pro vaginal delivery, and continues to give me the option of trying that way, but my gut says to go with the C section and try to keep things as chaos free as possible.  I honestly don't care one bit how they get here.  Just that they do and that I don't do anything that would put additional stress on them during delivery.  So, anyone thinking about lecturing me about the benefits of vaginal delivery, please save it.  I have plenty of hard choices ahead of me, and I've made this one and am comfortable with it.  

I've been very slowly getting the nursery organized the last few weeks, and I hope to have it decorated and organized in the next week or two.  I'll share pictures once I've got it all put together.  I want to also put some of the things together (like the Momaroo and mobiles) and turn them on from time to time so the dogs can get used to the noises and lights and things.  I'm getting a little nervous about how they're going to adjust.  Hopefully they will one way or another.   They've managed to adjust to moving all the time, so maybe two additional humans in the house won't bother them too much.  

 I haven't done this in a while, so here goes! 

30 weeks:

Symptoms - hip and back pain, swelling in hands and feet, sooo much sleeping, lots of dreams (and all of them totally weird)

Cravings- Juice, Nutella hot chocolate 

Food aversions - None (other than stuff I never like). 

Fun fact - Much to my surprise, my skin loves the second and third trimesters.   Can it please stay this way forever?  

27 Week Update

Good news!  The downstairs reconstruction is all finished, and the nursery is painted!  FINALLY!  Even better than that is that the babies had their fetal echocardiograms, and everything looks normal.  What a relief!  They were not exactly cooperative for the first attempt, and the doctor wasn't able to see everything she wanted to, so they had me come back 2 weeks later to try again, and this time, they got what they needed to determine that everything looks ok.  We had been a tiny bit concerned about their weight differences at the anatomy scan, and at the first attempt at the fetal echo, they were both growing as they should.  One was 1lb8oz and the other was 1lb11oz.   I was so focused on the growth, I didn't pay attention to who weighs what.   We'll see at the growth scan in another week and a half.  Pretty much everything is going well with this pregnancy right now except that these babies are greedy and sucking up more vitamins than I can keep up with, which we're trying to remedy with extra pills and B12 injections.  I was a little bummed to be back to injecting myself, as there is a little part of me that associates injections with the "wishing and waiting" period I was in for so long, but it really is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, and I'll happily do what needs to be done so that I have plenty of vitamins for these babies to steal.

Here are some pictures from the fetal echo.

Baby Girl

Baby Boy

A creepy face shot of our little boy, but he's waving :)

I can't believe that I'm only a week away from the third trimester.  I know I've said it a million times, but it's so hard to believe.  It's hard to believe I'm pregnant.  It's hard to believe we've made it this far.  It's hard to believe these are OUR babies.  It just seems like a dream sometimes.  It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and the constant back and hip pain remind me that it's really and truly happening, but it's hard to even connect that discomfort with the cause, because it just doesn't seem real.  I think it's still a crazy concept to Matt, too.  Yesterday, the painters were here, and Matt and I were standing in the kitchen talking about the upcoming hospital tour and how I'm going to kill him if he doesn't suggest some boy names or stop vetoing mine, and he just started laughing and said, "What are we going to do with two babies?"  Every once in a while, it sinks in for one of us, and we both kind of freak out that we don't know what we're doing and have a good laugh about how crazy this whole thing seems.  Honestly, though, no one really knows if they are going to "get it" or not.   I've seen plenty of people who think they know exactly what they're doing end up totally lost and others who don't have a nurturing bone in their bodies end up being totally on top of this parenting thing.  We have plenty of practice with cleaning up drool and wiping butts and wrinkles and noses, thanks to Stig and Orion, so I think we'll have that part covered.  All I know is the chaos and the sleeplessness and the adjustments will all be better than the years of infertility and miscarriages.  That's not to say it won't be hard.  The difference is this kind of hard comes with a reward.  The reward all those tears and shots and dr.'s visits and heart wrenching moments were all for.  I hope I never forget how lucky we are.   I hope every painful moment of the 4 years it took us to get to this point will serve as a reminder of how much we have to be grateful for and that we won't take it for granted.